Who are you? Andrew Dice Clay?

Silly me, I thought the beads and feathers would hide my true identity.

 

[birds - barrel scraping here]

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Girl: One of my ex-boyfriends sounds like an owl.
Boy: Who?

Q: How do blue jays stay fit?
A: Wormups.

Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

Q: What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?
A: Fowl play!

Q: What do you call a sick eagle?
A: Illegal

Q: What flies through the jungle singing opera?
A: The parrots of Penzance!

Q: What do you call a bird that kicks your butt?
A: Steven Seagull.

Q: What kind of bird doesn't need a comb?
A: A bald eagle.

Q: Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
A: Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

Q: How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Toucan do it.

Q: What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?
A: A headbanger!

and....

Q: What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A: Don't ask her out again.

 

How do you speak to birds?
Use pigeon English.

 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...iNVRkM&usg=AFQjCNFPxLT08AFfX8GCRdvxCXF_Jk1wJw

 

Not a joke:

 

A boy: Doctor! Doctor!! My friend swallowed gasoline (petrol) by mistake, thinking beer! And look, now he is being out of control and running and jumping in the field!

Doctor: What was the quantity he swallowed?

Boy: Maybe around 30ml!

Doctor: Ok then don't worry, let him to run few more distance and when the petrol ends, he will stop himself.

 

A boy: Doctor! Doctor!! My friend swallowed gasoline (petrol) by mistake, thinking beer! And look, now he is being out of control and running and jumping in the field!

Doctor: What was the quantity he swallowed?

Boy: Maybe around 30ml!

Doctor: Ok then don't worry, let him to run few more distance and when the petrol ends, he will stop himself.

The humor is lost in translation. It actually sounds kinda tragic.

 

The humor is lost in translation. It actually sounds kinda tragic.

hehe yes really, I always feel while speaking english (2nd language)!

Seems that your avatar is funnier than my recent joke. I am curious, how would you say the joke?

 

hehe yes really, I always feel while speaking english (2nd language)!

Seems that your avatar is funnier than my recent joke. I am curious, how would you say the joke?

I've got an 8 year old. Kids guzzling petrol are not on the top of my humor list. I can't think of any way to make it funny.

Edit: Re-reading your joke, it is not about a kid. But that is what I thought when I read it. Still, not funny.

 

I've got an 8 year old. Kids guzzling petrol are not on the top of my humor list. I can't think of any way to make it funny.

Edit: Re-reading your joke, it is not about a kid. But that is what I thought when I read it. Still, not funny.

Maybe humor is dependent to language, and person too. I was in a seminar of an insurance company and boss shared the joke in my native language, 100+ people were laughing out loud. Sure it was style, language (words) and expression which made the people laugh.

 

Joke's not funny.

When boss makes joke, you laugh.

 

But I thought that the joke was funny!

 

Humor can be very regional and cultural. It can also be based on immediate experience.

My little grandbaby is chatterbox. She understands more than she says, and she is always surprising us with language ahead of schedule.

At 11 months her Dad was walking by her with his supper (she could not eat most of that food, she had her own). We clearly heard "I want some!"

Her Dad replied while still walking "You don't need any of this." Rebuttal, "Yes I do!"

The whole room where she was was laughing.

 

 

A little girl is wearing her new dress on the first day of school where she is starting second grade. When she gets home after school, mommy says to her, "did you have a good day today?"

The girl replies, "yes mommy, but some of the older boys said I didn't know how to hang upside down on the monkey bars. But I proved I could."

Mommy said, "oh honey, those boys tricked you. They just wanted to see your underpants."

Next day the girl wears another new dress to school. When she gets home she's smiling for ear to ear. She tells mommy, " I tricked those big boys today. I didn't wear any underpants today!"

 

What do you get when you cross a spare eCigarette battery with a pocket full of loose change and keys?

A rocket in your pocket!

 

Wow! That's a lot worse than a 9V battery and a pocket full of loose coins!
(I know because I did that.)

 

Yes, but a shorted 9v battery gives a sudden surge of heat. It doesn't burst into flames, at least that's what happened to me once.

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. ”How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks an accountant. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. All of them board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please. ”The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all. ”How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed accountant. ”Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs shortly, afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”

 

Wow! That's a lot worse than a 9V battery and a pocket full of loose coins!
(I know because I did that.)

Me too. Hurts though.