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At least it is not the two sentance code that my dad assumed was true...
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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
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NEW SIMPLIFIED IRS1040 FORM
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2) Send it in.
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Yeah... simply screwed alright
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
- Winston Churchill
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease". "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.".
"He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr.
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.".
- Winston Churchill.
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.".
- Clarence Darrow.
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.".
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.".
- Moses Hadas.
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.".
- Mark Twain.
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.".
- Oscar Wilde.
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.".
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one.".
- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.".
- Stephen Bishop.
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.".
- John Bright.
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.".
- Irvin S. Cobb.
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.".
- Samuel Johnson.
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.".
- Paul Keating.
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.".
- Charles, Count Talleyrand.
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.".
- Forrest Tucker.
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?".
- Mark Twain.
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.".
- Mae West.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.".
- Oscar Wilde.
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.".
- Andrew Lang.
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.".
- Billy Wilder.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.".
- Groucho Marx.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
- Winston Churchill
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease". "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.".
"He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr.
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.".
- Winston Churchill.
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.".
- Clarence Darrow.
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.".
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.".
- Moses Hadas.
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.".
- Mark Twain.
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.".
- Oscar Wilde.
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.".
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one.".
- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.".
- Stephen Bishop.
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.".
- John Bright.
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.".
- Irvin S. Cobb.
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.".
- Samuel Johnson.
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.".
- Paul Keating.
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.".
- Charles, Count Talleyrand.
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.".
- Forrest Tucker.
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?".
- Mark Twain.
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.".
- Mae West.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.".
- Oscar Wilde.
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.".
- Andrew Lang.
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.".
- Billy Wilder.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.".
- Groucho Marx.
5 Minute Management Course
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way..
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch..'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him....
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way..
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch..'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say..
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull S*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him....
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s**ts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s*** is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep s***, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
Emergency Call Center.
An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto, Canada, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating; 'I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah.' To which the Call Center employee replied. 'Remain calm and stay on the line.'
An Emergency Call Center worker has been fired in Toronto, Canada, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her dismissal. It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating; 'I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah.' To which the Call Center employee replied. 'Remain calm and stay on the line.'
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And I hate stupid dogs -- they are an embarrassment to their species.
don't you mean stupid dogs are an embarrassment to smart dogs?
or... you just don't like dogs, period?
I am definitely a cat person too. I used to love dogs, but then I had to live with my fiancee's dog and suddenly I despise the entire species. I enjoy seeing other peoples' dogs, I love how they look, but regretfully I am now a dog hater. All because of one stupid &@#%*$! dog.
Let me put it this way: my dog would've eaten that cat.don't you mean stupid dogs are an embarrassment to smart dogs?
Cats are sort of (but not entirely) aloof, they seldom display signs of allegiance to their masters... on the other hand, dogs can be loyal to the extreme. So much that they can have these fits of jealousy even when their masters are greeting well known people... a friend of mine had to put his dog to sleep because it once attacked his own daughter after he hadn't seen her for a couple of years.
A responsible owner is the key to a polite dog. The owner MUST assume the "leader of the pack" role because dogs are pack animals. They have no choice besides believing they are in a pack with their owner. A feckless owner will leave the dog no choice except to take the leadership role in the pack. That is when they think they have to control everything, all the time. They "protect" against everybody in sight, including small children who are no threat at all.
There ARE bad dogs, but over 90% of them are caused by bad owners.
There ARE bad dogs, but over 90% of them are caused by bad owners.
Lestraveled
- Joined May 19, 2014
- 1,946
Everyone needs to watch a few episodes of the "dog whisper". They help you understand people.
Don't be silly. The only reason I didn't say 100% is because all dogs aren't perfect. Some are just plain stupid. Some have been mentally or emotionally twisted beyond redemption. I would say, "Any normal, healthy, dog with a good owner can behave appropriately." except that would invite a hundred posts about a few exceptions.So you think 10% of dogs might be evil?
I am very experienced with dogs. (So is joeyd) Their, "free will" is nothing like a human or a cat. Dogs are pack animals. If you don't take a role in the pack structure, the dog arrange a suitable pack structure in its own mind. You can call that Free Will or Lack of Free Will. I call it the natural state of the animal.
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