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I've not been away. Just involved on a rather time-consuming project that is limiting the time I can spend on extracurricular activities.
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
ageing well (courtesy readers digest) --
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
---
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
---
"Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
---
In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
---
An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."
---
My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
---
Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.
"But I filled them out last year," she replied.
"You have to fill them out every year."
"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"
---
"Everything’s starting to click for me!" said my father-in-law at dinner. "My knees, my elbows, my neck … "
---
In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.
"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."
"Nice."
"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."
---
An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"
"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."
Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.
"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."
---
My nine-year-old daughter walked in while I was getting ready for work. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Putting on my wrinkle cream," I answered.
"Oh," she said, walking away. "I thought they were natural."
Not really a written joke, but some great electronic joke cartoons..
http://www.leapsecond.com/notes/cartoons.htm
http://www.leapsecond.com/notes/cartoons.htm
Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said,"You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
This one is a little risque...but apropos as it is tax season.
Mods, feel free to delete it if inappropriate.
----------------
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...
And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
Mods, feel free to delete it if inappropriate.
----------------
The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...
And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
nerdegutta
- Joined Dec 15, 2009
- 2,689
This might be on the edge of what is tolerated in the thread...
- Do you know what the leprechaun said to the prostitute?
- Keep the tip.
- Do you know what the leprechaun said to the prostitute?
- Keep the tip.
Not leprechaun. Leper, you silly!
nerdegutta
- Joined Dec 15, 2009
- 2,689
Ah... How stupid of me. You are right. Now it actually makes sense.
keeping on the (non)sense theme
[customer service]
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon customer service. You have probably talked to him.
---
[anniversary]
Frieda awoke during the night to find that her husband Ted was not in bed.
Frieda found Ted sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him, appearing deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, Dear?" Frieda whispered. "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
Ted looked up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked solemnly.
Frieda is touched to tears, realizing that her husband is very caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replied.
Ted reflected. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said Frieda, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
Ted continued... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
Ted wiped a tear from his cheek and said sadly..."I would have gotten out today."
[customer service]
Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through Immigration. The Immigration Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow', this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon customer service. You have probably talked to him.
---
[anniversary]
Frieda awoke during the night to find that her husband Ted was not in bed.
Frieda found Ted sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him, appearing deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watched as he wiped a tear from his eye.
"What's the matter, Dear?" Frieda whispered. "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
Ted looked up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked solemnly.
Frieda is touched to tears, realizing that her husband is very caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replied.
Ted reflected. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said Frieda, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
Ted continued... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
Ted wiped a tear from his cheek and said sadly..."I would have gotten out today."
(had this one 'removed' before - just rephrasing to suit the thread - close you eyes bertus )
2 sperm were busy tad polling away and one said to the other
'gee's i'm tired already, how long before we find that egg?'
the other said 'gonna be a while yet, we've only just gone past the tonsils'
) 2 sperm were busy tad polling away and one said to the other
'gee's i'm tired already, how long before we find that egg?'
the other said 'gonna be a while yet, we've only just gone past the tonsils'
A SHORT LOVE STORY
A man and a woman who had never met before -- but who were both married to other people -- found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.
A man and a woman who had never met before -- but who were both married to other people -- found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End.
Husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.
Subj: Sex and Good Grammar
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
bert and fran were friends at a nursing home, always getting together for the odd game of 500 and the weekend bowling outings
he was 82 and she was 81. bert's partner had passed away years previously and fran was never married.
one sunny day they were both sitting on the same bench at the nursing home having idle conversation when bert said
'you know fran, we've been friends for years now, whats say we go into those bushes over there and imagine we're teenagers again?'
fran pauses for a second and says 'why not'
so they both go into the bushes for some 'activity'
as they were coming out of the bushes, bert says to fran
' gee's fran, i didn't know you were a virgin'
fran replies
'if i'd have known you were able to get it up, i would have taken off my pantyhose...'
he was 82 and she was 81. bert's partner had passed away years previously and fran was never married.
one sunny day they were both sitting on the same bench at the nursing home having idle conversation when bert said
'you know fran, we've been friends for years now, whats say we go into those bushes over there and imagine we're teenagers again?'
fran pauses for a second and says 'why not'
so they both go into the bushes for some 'activity'
as they were coming out of the bushes, bert says to fran
' gee's fran, i didn't know you were a virgin'
fran replies
'if i'd have known you were able to get it up, i would have taken off my pantyhose...'
And wash your hands when you open your eyes - then repeat.
I think it would actually be harder to close your eyes after each "quality control procedure" ... but yes, probably one's hands would be second to suffer most for all that constant washing
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