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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Sam was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the man if he would like a ride.
With a word or two of thanks, the man got in the car.
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the man noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sam.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old man.
Sam looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my wife."
The old man was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
With a word or two of thanks, the man got in the car.
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the man noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sam.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old man.
Sam looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my wife."
The old man was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
Similar beginning but different ending:
A gentleman is driving along the highway when he sees a man walking along the side of the road. The stranger sticks out his thumb to show he's hitchhiking, and the driver stops and picks him up. Immediately the driver sees that the stranger is carrying a paper bag. He doesn't think much of it, and continues to drive. After a few minutes the driver notices a police car behind him with lights flashing. Looking over at his passenger, he sees that the stranger has a terrified look on his face. The driver asks him, "What's in the bag?" The passenger replies, "Marijuana".
The driver becomes very angry and pulls the car to the side of the road. The officer comes up to the window. After asking for the driver's papers, he notices the bag in the passenger's lap. He asks the passenger, "Sir, what's in the bag"? The passenger, an ashamed look on his face, hands the officer the paper bag. The officer opens the bag and with a confused look says, "Sir, this is just a bag of dog food."
Eventually the officer clears them to leave, and the driver starts to drive away. The passenger suddenly exclaims, "We need to turn the car around!" "Why?", the driver asks. The passenger replies "I need to go home to check on my dog!"
A gentleman is driving along the highway when he sees a man walking along the side of the road. The stranger sticks out his thumb to show he's hitchhiking, and the driver stops and picks him up. Immediately the driver sees that the stranger is carrying a paper bag. He doesn't think much of it, and continues to drive. After a few minutes the driver notices a police car behind him with lights flashing. Looking over at his passenger, he sees that the stranger has a terrified look on his face. The driver asks him, "What's in the bag?" The passenger replies, "Marijuana".
The driver becomes very angry and pulls the car to the side of the road. The officer comes up to the window. After asking for the driver's papers, he notices the bag in the passenger's lap. He asks the passenger, "Sir, what's in the bag"? The passenger, an ashamed look on his face, hands the officer the paper bag. The officer opens the bag and with a confused look says, "Sir, this is just a bag of dog food."
Eventually the officer clears them to leave, and the driver starts to drive away. The passenger suddenly exclaims, "We need to turn the car around!" "Why?", the driver asks. The passenger replies "I need to go home to check on my dog!"
This is exactly why I want to move to Australia. It's about as far from people like this as geographically possible...
*Caution: fairly scanty clothing, possibly NSFW*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08RFTI9QR20
*Caution: fairly scanty clothing, possibly NSFW*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08RFTI9QR20
My wife just told me last night on the way to one of my Granddaughters birthday parties. She said she was standing in our front yard with one of my Granddaughters Alia, she's 6 years old, suddenly my Granddaughter say's.......
So I twisted it.Alia and Grandma said:
kv said:
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An old Indian carrying a bucket of fish was stopped be the Game Warden "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The old indian replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take em down to the lake and let em swim around for awhile, when I whistle they swim back into the bucket, and then I take em home.
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The old indian looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, I'll show you. Sure enough he poured the fish in to the water and standing he waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the old Indian, who's still starring calmly starring in the lake and said, Well?..........Well, what? he replied. "When are you going to call them back?" The old Indian said, Call who back?" The Warden said, "The FISH."
As the old Indian looked back up at the warden replied, What fish?
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" The old indian looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, I'll show you. Sure enough he poured the fish in to the water and standing he waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the old Indian, who's still starring calmly starring in the lake and said, Well?..........Well, what? he replied. "When are you going to call them back?" The old Indian said, Call who back?" The Warden said, "The FISH."
As the old Indian looked back up at the warden replied, What fish?
The Ten Commandments of Electricity
1) Beware of the lightning that lurketh in an undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to be bounced upon thy buttocks in an ungentlemanly manner.
2) Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thusly tagged, so that thy days be long in this earthly vale of tears.
3) Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiate and upon which thou worketh are earthed, lest they raise thee up to high frequency potential and cause thee to radiate also.
4) Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the measure of high voltage circuits so thou does not incinerate both thyself and thy meter, for thou hast no serial number and can be easily replaced; but the meter doth have one and as a consequence bringeth much woe to the supply department.
5) Tarriest thou not amongst those who deal in intentional shocks for they are surely non believers and are not long for this earthly vale of tears.
6) Take care that thou tamperest not among interlocks and safety devices for this will incur the wrath of thy seniors and bring forth the fury of the safety officer to be visited on thy head and shoulders.
7) Worketh thou not upon energised equipment, for if thou doth, thy good friends will surely be buying strong liquor for thy wife and consoling her in other ways generally not acceptable to thee.
8) Verily I say unto you never service high voltage equipment alone for electric cooking is a slothful process, and thou mightest sizzle in thine own fat for hours on end before thy maker sees fit to bring thee into his fold.
9) Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest they cause thee to glow in the dark like unto a flashlight and thy wife be disturbed nightly and have no further use for thee excepting for thy wage.
10) Commit thou to heart the works of the prophets which are written in the manual of instruction and giveth the straight dope which consoleth thee.
1) Beware of the lightning that lurketh in an undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to be bounced upon thy buttocks in an ungentlemanly manner.
2) Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thusly tagged, so that thy days be long in this earthly vale of tears.
3) Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiate and upon which thou worketh are earthed, lest they raise thee up to high frequency potential and cause thee to radiate also.
4) Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the measure of high voltage circuits so thou does not incinerate both thyself and thy meter, for thou hast no serial number and can be easily replaced; but the meter doth have one and as a consequence bringeth much woe to the supply department.
5) Tarriest thou not amongst those who deal in intentional shocks for they are surely non believers and are not long for this earthly vale of tears.
6) Take care that thou tamperest not among interlocks and safety devices for this will incur the wrath of thy seniors and bring forth the fury of the safety officer to be visited on thy head and shoulders.
7) Worketh thou not upon energised equipment, for if thou doth, thy good friends will surely be buying strong liquor for thy wife and consoling her in other ways generally not acceptable to thee.
8) Verily I say unto you never service high voltage equipment alone for electric cooking is a slothful process, and thou mightest sizzle in thine own fat for hours on end before thy maker sees fit to bring thee into his fold.
9) Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest they cause thee to glow in the dark like unto a flashlight and thy wife be disturbed nightly and have no further use for thee excepting for thy wage.
10) Commit thou to heart the works of the prophets which are written in the manual of instruction and giveth the straight dope which consoleth thee.
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This reminds me of, Commandment 1 which was practiced on 1st year students, hidden in a black box beneath a chrome button labeled in Red the words..... Danger - Do not Touch!
At the end of the semester, the Professor asks, so how many touched the button in the break room.
1/3 of the room held up their hands, while the remaining 10% chose not.
Remembereth thy 10 commandments of Electricity. Remember, Walketh not in the path of Earth and Volt, and Toucheth not the button labeled...... Danger - Do Not Touch
At the end of the class he said, now if it say's don't touch it, that means don't damn well touch it.
Edit: I was not in the 10%, who touches something in an electrical automation class marked do not touch?
You just know, it's going to hurt
At the end of the semester, the Professor asks, so how many touched the button in the break room.
1/3 of the room held up their hands, while the remaining 10% chose not.
Remembereth thy 10 commandments of Electricity. Remember, Walketh not in the path of Earth and Volt, and Toucheth not the button labeled...... Danger - Do Not Touch
At the end of the class he said, now if it say's don't touch it, that means don't damn well touch it.
Edit: I was not in the 10%, who touches something in an electrical automation class marked do not touch?
You just know, it's going to hurt
I said to some, I wouldn't touch that button, I won't, it's to suspicious.
Now that I think of it. 10% may be way off, who knows what the others did?
I know I didn't need another lesson, my uncle made a hand crank alternator.
We used it to show the 5th grade class the effects of electricity. All in a circle we held hands as the Teacher cranked one turn.
The circle broke and the 2 kids that let go got the worse part of it.
Strange things we did back then, like smoking in buildings and such.
I think KV missed your point
I did miss it.I think KV missed your point
Thanks
If it has to do with math forget it.
Twice as funny
kv
And the other 10%?
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