A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, I have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Chad?"

 

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.
She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

 

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from a car when he spotted a well-known cardiologist at the reception.

The cardiologist was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, took the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $45,000 a year and you get the really big money at $400,000.00 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

''Try doing it with the engine running...."

 

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

 

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
The first said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the morale of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

A little girl raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too, but we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story. "Does anyone else have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. She was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!

 

Stevie Wonder walks into a convenience store with his seeing eye dog. The cashier asks him if she can help him with anything, but he says "no thank you, I'll be alright." He then proceeds to pick up his dog by the tail and begins to swing it around in circles. Shocked, the cashier asks him, "Sir! What are you doing??" He replies "Oh nothing. Just looking around."

 

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!!!"

 

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

 

A Priest was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.

After the plane was airborne, the drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a dark rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust :
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said :
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

 

Friendship among women

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among men

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends.

Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

Now guys...this thread seems to be more popular amongst you.

Keep the jokes coming...I am trying to find real jokes from here.

As for a comment on religious view, no comments on those will keep the thread open. So let's keep it that way..OK.

Congrats to Bill. I believe he did his first work as a Mod...

i.e locked his first thread...heeheehee. Real but a bad joke. No..

As for the goat joke..Point was not abt safe sex...point was what is the problem with others...it is the ways a Bangladesh people talk in Divehi ( our dialect ). It is rather funny how they pronounce Divehi words.

Sgt seems to be pretty good at jolks telling..

I have a few good ones but I can't seem to find the exact English phrases.
Mind helping me, tell me how these sentences a pronounced or something.

1..you know black people and white people..We call Khalhu for black ( ka, lhu ) and for white or Fair skinned we say Dhon (dh'on)..
so how do you say .....Ur arm is white or is it ur arm is fair.
A real old joke consists of dark and fair skin people.

ad abt the light bulb joke.....it goes a bit different< I have to find out..cannot remember tht.

 

Here's one for you Michiganders (People from Michigan, USA).

There was a huge convention where neurosurgeons from around the world gathered to brag about their latest achievement,

The German's were overheard bragging how they did a full Brain transplant and had the patient out and looking for a job in 3 weeks.... the Japanese said they did the same thing except their patient was out looking for a job in 2 weeks, the Canadian Surgeon walks over and says, "I hate to brag, but, we put half a brain in a woman, made her Governor of Michigan, and now we have half the state out looking for a job!"

 

This isn't so much a joke but reality. In FL we elected a governor that stole 1.2 billion dollars from medicare. He then has preceeded top destroy all our environmental laws. Its a joke because this guys an out of stater that spent 80 million on his campaign when all his competition had less then 6 million. Each day we start off laughing at what he's done, then we start to cry. Funnier still is both dem's and rep's hate him.

 

What Is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep <snip>."

 

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

'"Yes", the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter".

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.

"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely", the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen".

"How can you be so sure?", the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

 

@Maxpower097:
This is really not much of a joke here in Michigan either, the only joke is having this canadian woman forcing all the auto manufacturers out of the state.... so yeah, this economy is not a joke at all... but funny how they would elect someone that is not even from the same country....

 

Little girl comes home from school and Mom asks, "How was school"

Little girl say, "the boys are so dumb. They said I couldn't hang upside down from monkey bars. I showed them I could"

Mom says, " Oh honey! They tricked you! They just wanted to see your underpants!"

Next day little girl comes home and tells Mom, "I tricked those boys today! When they asked me to hang from the monkey bars, I wasn't wearing underpants!"

 

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home .... and left it there all night.

 

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f%#king cement sheet..."

 

Poachin' Fish

The warden catches Seamus leaving the vicinity of the reservoir with a bucket of fish.

"Aha! I've caught you poachin' fish red-handed," says the warden.

"What do you mean, red-handed?" says Seamus.

"You've got a bucket full of 'em right there. You can't talk your way out of it this time."

"Oh, you don't understand," says Seamus, "I've not poached a thing. These are me pet fish.

I bring 'em to the reservoir once a week for exercise.

After they've had a good swim, they come back to the bucket and we go back home."

"Do ya expect me to believe such a tale?"

"I can prove it." say Seamus.

So they walk back to the reservoir and Seamus dips the bucket in and the fish swim away.

They stand in silence for 20, 30, 40 minutes...no sign of the fish coming back to the pail.

Ha, ya lying rogue! shouts the warden.

"Where are your fish?"

"What fish?"