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I found this list on a site simply called music jokes. Enjoy!
**GLOSSARY OF MUSICAL TERMS**

ACCIDENTALS: Wrong notes
AUGMENTED FIFTH: A 36-ounce bottle
BROKEN CONSORT: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the restroom.
CADENCE: When everybody hopes you're going to stop - but you don't
CADENZA: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola"
CANTUS FIRMUS: The part you get when you can only play four notes
CHANSONS DE GESTE: Dirty songs
CLAUSULA: Mrs. Santa
CROTCHET: A tritone with a bent prong or. . .
CROTCHET: It's like knitting but it's faster
CUT TIME: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.
DUCTIA: A lot of mallards
EMBOUCHRE: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn
ESTAMPIE: What they put on letters in Quebec
GARGLEFINKLEIN: A tiny recorder played by neums
HOCKET: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett
INTERVAL: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major Interval: A long time
Minor Interval: A few bars
Inverted Interval: When you have to back one bar and try again
INTONATION: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages
ISORHYTHMIC MOTET: When half of the ensemble got a different xerox than the other half
MINNESINGER: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.
MUSICA FICTA: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it again. Also known as faking
NEUMS: Renaissance midgets
NEUMATIC MELISMA: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets
ORDO: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings"
PERFORMANCE PRACTISE: Sex education
ROTA: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts
TROTTO: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge
LAUDA: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
SANCTA: Clausula's husband
LASSO: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale
DI LASSO: Popular with Italian cowboys
LAI: What monks give up when they take their vows
VIRELAI: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai
CONDUCTUS: The process of getting Vire into the cloister
MOTET: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded
ORGANUM: You may not participate in the Lai without one
PARALELL ORGANUM: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire
MINIM: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line
BREVE: The time you spend when the line is short
TEMPUS PERFECTUM: A good time was had by all
TEMPUS IMPERFECTUM: Vire had to leave early
LONGA: The time between visits with Vire
PROLATION: Precautions taken before the Lai
DRONE: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet
RHYTHMIC DRONE: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet
SOLESME: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet
ISORHYTHM: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town
ORGANISTRUM: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper
HURDY-GURDY: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum
QUAVER: Beginning viol class
RACKETT: Capped reeds class
RITORNELLO: An opera by Verdi
SINE PROPRIETATE: Cussing in church
SUPERTONIC: Schweppes
TRANSPOSITION: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece
TROPE: A malevolent Neum
TUTTI: A lot of sackbuts
STOPS: Something Bach did not have on his organ
AGNUS DEI: A famous female church composer
METRONOME: A dwarf who lives in the city
ALLEGRO: Leg fertilizer
RECITATIVE: A disease that Monteverdi had
ORCHESTRAL SUITES: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras
FINE: That was great!
DA CAPO AL FINE: I like your hat!
OPUS: A Penguin in Kansas
FERMENTED FIFTH: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which resolves to a...
DISTILLED FIFTH: What the conductor uses backstage...

 

 

 

okay, I got one.
Have you ever seen a really beautiful woman and thought to yourself you should go say something?
But then you realize it's a bad idea. She's probably going to freak out when you walk out of her bedroom closet.

 

 

 

View attachment 213386

So, IOW, the feds should not protect federal property and officials, but should manage our lives regardless of the local impact of Wuhan.

Ok...if you say so.

The cartoon wasn't funny, BTW. Just stoopid.

 

 

Just stoopit.

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View attachment 213389

That’s when Mexicans get a tortilla and make a Taco Dog.

or 2.

kv

 

That’s when Mexicans get a tortilla and make a Taco Dog.

or 2.

kv

There's more than one way to make a taco... in fact, you could make rather tasty tacos by simply mincing standard off the shelf american sausage, frying it, and adding pico de gallo and a little cheese in a freshly baked tortilla...

 

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I don't get it?

Never been married, huh?

 

 

Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's a... anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It's hard to make a comeback if you haven't been anywhere.
12.. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .. . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?