I got a good one: my social life.

 

That reminds me I organized a threesome last night.



Couple of no shows but had fun anyhow

 

Man has been shipwrecked on a deserted isle for some time. He is sitting on his small beach pondering his dismal fate when a beautiful woman walks up out of the water and stands before him. He shakes his head thinking he has finally lost it and hallucinating. She smiles at him and says You look hungry. All he can do is nod his head and she reaches inside her wetsuit and brings out a ham sandwich and hands it to him. He is wolfing it down and she says you look thirsty. His mouth is full so he just nods again and she reached inside her wetsuit and pulls out an ice-cold beer and hands it to him. She then unzips her wetsuit all the way down to her pubic bone and says you want to play around? His eyes bug out and he manages to babble out Wow you have a set of golf clubs in there too?

 

​

 

bonus question... how long did it take to get from first to last sign... assuming he treated each sign as a speed limit (i know the unit is wrong)

 

OK I'll bite:

Assuming km meant kph

80-50 = 30 km travelled
30/80 = 0.375/hr = .375x60 = 22 1/2 min

and so on

 

OK I'll bite:

Assuming km meant kph

80-50 = 30 km travelled
30/80 = 0.375/hr = .375x60 = 22 1/2 min

and so on

Yeah.... the last leg took him an hour!

 

An admiral visiting a ship discovered that each biscuit had the ships insignia on it. He was so impressed he asked to meet the cook.

The cook explained that every biscuit had his belt buckle pressed into them before going into the oven.

The Admiral: that doesn't sound very hygienic

The cook: If you think that's bad I suggest you skip the donuts.

 

 

Hello,

More like that can be found here:
http://www.vitamin-ha.com/

Bertus

 

Dad decides to get a robot the new slapomatic 2000 can detect lies and slap the person lying. So one night he asks his son “what were you up to at your friends house?” Son says “ we were busy with our electronics homework doing ohms law and stuff.” The robot slaps the son. Dad says “nice try, try again.” Son says “I lied we were watching a movie.” Dad asks “what movies” and son says “Transformers” and robot slaps him. Son finally says “we were watching porn.” Dad says “when I was your age I didn’t even know about porn.” The robot slaps the dad. Mom chuckling says “He certainly is your son.” Robot slaps the mom.

One robot for sale.

 

View attachment 182816​

I think it's supposed to be "The Town of 'Slow To'." It was 80KM away then 50, then 10.

 

The joke is he thought it was the speed limit

 

The joke is he thought it was the speed limit

Yeah, I got that too.

 

talking about car speeds, anyone watched youtube "80mph question"?

 

Oh jeeze that’s dismal...

So the other day I saw a homeless man asking for money and all I had was a $20 bill.

So faced with a dilemma I asked myself do I really want this money to end up being spent on drugs...

So I gave him the money

 

Oh jeeze that’s dismal...

So the other day I saw a homeless man asking for money and all I had was a $20 bill.

So faced with a dilemma I asked myself do I really want this money to end up going to drug...

So I gave him the money

Not a joke, but I have a personal response to this situation. I look away and walk by. Then, I look for a fast food place, small diner, etc... and buy a sandwich and a coffee. Which I return to give to the person.

I was at a work conference once where an obscenely large buffet still had a lot of food near the end of the evening. So I made sandwiches, stuffed them into my pockets and bag and took them outside to a homeless encampment beside the hotel.

 

So I made sandwiches, stuffed them into my pockets and bag and took them outside to a homeless encampment beside the hotel.

"Is that a sandwich in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

 

Not a joke, but I have a personal response to this situation. I look away and walk by. Then, I look for a fast food place, small diner, etc... and buy a sandwich and a coffee. Which I return to give to the person.

I was at a work conference once where an obscenely large buffet still had a lot of food near the end of the evening. So I made sandwiches, stuffed them into my pockets and bag and took them outside to a homeless encampment beside the hotel.

Went to the VA to pick up my wife after work. On the way down I stopped at Little Caesar's $5 pizza. Ate half of it on the way down. At the offramp in SLC was a homeless man standing on the corner panhandling. I handed him the pizza. He genuinely showed gratitude for the pizza and then began breaking it apart and feeding it to the pigeons. Had I known he was going to do that I would have just tossed it.

 

He genuinely showed gratitude for the pizza and then began breaking it apart and feeding it to the pigeons. Had I known he was going to do that I would have just tossed it.

Pigeon lives matter