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I use that pic every Easter, and label everyone. Dad is taking the picture. I’m in the middle, flanked by my two younger sisters. The one on the right is my “favorite” sister.

 

There REALLY needs to be a dislike button on this forum

Three likes on my joke so far... that makes trrrreeeee likes against your tiny, puny, insignificant pseudo-dislike ... so...

In... your.... face...

 

Three likes on my joke so far... that makes trrrreeeee likes against your tiny, puny, insignificantd pseudo-dislike ... so...

In... your.... face...

Extremely low humor threshold

 

You spinnaker really surprise me! In a thread devoted to jokes...?

Come on, enjoy or simply ignore and be happy. Life is short, time is scarce and unrecoverable.

 

An old farmer set to retire decided to sell off most of his property. His intention was to keep a small parcel of land and make it his retirement nest. He planted mature trees and shrubs around a man-made pond; a very nice and private place to relax.

One afternoon he heard splashing and laughing in the pond. It was three girls skinny-dipping in his pond. He went to investigate. Peering through the bushes, the girls catch sight of him. "Hey you dirty old man! We're not coming out of here till you go away." He said "Stay in there as long as you like. As long as you don't mind me feeding the alligator."

 

Farmer John goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I need a pill." Doc says "What for?" John says "You know, a pill." "No" says the doc, "A pill for what?" Sheepishly John says "For the bedroom." He goes on to explain how the spark has been lost in his marriage and he needs help keeping "IT" up. So the doctor does an examination and concludes the farmer doesn't need a pill.

Later that evening John is out in the barn, lights on, music playing. A neighboring farmer and friend notices the lights and decides to pay John a visit. Upon reaching the barn door he sees John dancing alone with the radio on the big old John Deer tractor playing and slowly peeling off his coveralls. "JOHNNY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Somewhat embarrassed he admits he's following the doctors advice. He admits to having lost intimacy with his wife and he was trying what the doctor prescribed. "What did the doctor say?" "Well, he said all I had to do was to do something sexy to a tractor."

 

Guy walking on the beach spots an old brass lamp in the sand. He picks it up and begins cleaning it. To his surprise he unleashes a Genie. The Genie says he will grant the man three wishes, but with the following caveat: "Whatever you wish for - your mother-in-law (MIL) gets twice as much." So almost immediately the man says "I want a hundred million dollars." Poof, he has his money and his MIL has twice that much. In quick succession he says "I want a big beautiful mansion." Poof! He has his mansion and his MIL has two of them. Several minutes pass before he places his third wish - - - . He says "I wish you would beat me half to death."

 

An old farmer set to retire decided to sell off most of his property. His intention was to keep a small parcel of land and make it his retirement nest. He planted mature trees and shrubs around a man-made pond; a very nice and private place to relax.

One afternoon he heard splashing and laughing in the pond. It was three girls skinny-dipping in his pond. He went to investigate. Peering through the bushes, the girls catch sight of him. "Hey you dirty old man! We're not coming out of here till you go away." He said "Stay in there as long as you like. As long as you don't mind me feeding the alligator."

https://forum.allaboutcircuits.com/threads/the-jokes-thread.60389/page-159#post-1178413

 

https://forum.allaboutcircuits.com/threads/the-jokes-thread.60389/page-159#post-1178413

I suppose there are a few variations on that one. And with 3800 jokes and/or comments posted, it'll be a while before I can go through all of them. But I had a feeling I'd be sharing a joke that had already been shared. It'll be months before I read all the jokes posted here.

 

Here's another one ... let's see if it's a bit more to Spin's taste:

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My wife insists I recount this true story.

I have a video camera with a small 7.2V battery. The camera can shoot far more video than the battery can power. So I built a battery pack for it out of 5 D cell batteries. Built it onto a small wooden board and slipped it into an old Aqua Velva shaving kit, ran some wires and made a wooden faux battery for the camera. Worked real nice. Far more power than I needed.

Went to the air show on the Air Force base. They were stopping everybody and checking what we we're bringing in. They stopped me. When they saw the batteries and the wires they immediately called security and had me prove it worked. I shot a video of one of the security guys then played it back for him. My wife thinks it's funny that I tried to bring a bomb looking device on base. They let me on but just asked me to keep things rather inconspicuous so that security didn't tackle me and confiscate my supposed bomb.

 

Just happened:

First, please let me say I have no intentions to insult ANYONE! But living in America and getting scam calls all the time, I've grown tired of dealing with people who have a more American name than I have and yet they speak 7Eleven. By that I mean they speak with a middle-eastern accent. Again, I mean no disrespect. If you're offended - my apologies right now.

Few years ago I got a call from The United States Treasury. This guy was speaking 7/11. "Funny" I said to him "You don't sound American." He stammered for a few seconds then said "I'm from Canada." Asked him what he wanted in a voice that made it clear i wasn't going to fall for his scam. He said "I want money." I said "You're not getting any!" Then hung up.

As I started to say, this just happened. Got a call from Florida about my credit cards. How I can apply for an unbelievable rate. An absolutely unbelievable rate. Know that saying "Too good to be true"? Well, this was. "Please press #9 to be connected to an operator." So I pressed #9. Got another guy from 7/11. So I did my best 7/11 imitation back. The guy didn't know WHAT to say. He just sat there quiet. Finally I told him what he can go do by himself then hung up. I mean he was SPEECHLESS! And to me - that moment was "PRICELESS".

 

My wife insists I recount this true story.

I have a video camera with a small 7.2V battery. The camera can shoot far more video than the battery can power. So I built a battery pack for it out of 5 D cell batteries. Built it onto a small wooden board and slipped it into an old Aqua Velva shaving kit, ran some wires and made a wooden faux battery for the camera. Worked real nice. Far more power than I needed.

Went to the air show on the Air Force base. They were stopping everybody and checking what we we're bringing in. They stopped me. When they saw the batteries and the wires they immediately called security and had me prove it worked. I shot a video of one of the security guys then played it back for him. My wife thinks it's funny that I tried to bring a bomb looking device on base. They let me on but just asked me to keep things rather inconspicuous so that security didn't tackle me and confiscate my supposed bomb.

Any relation?

 

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Any relation?

Nope. But back in the day I used to make bombs. But way way back then they weren't too concerned with terrorism. Today I won't even TOUCH the stuff

One night a friend and I had been sanding and refinishing his boat. We got bored with that and he showed me a home made cannon. So I showed him one of my bombs that would fit in nicely. The sun had set and all the stars were out when we decided to try combining the two. We went to an empty field. Way way way at the other end was a doughnut shop. No way could we fire something that far. Or so we thought! We set off the cannon and watched the fuse as it fizzled through the air, landing, bouncing and rolling up under the hedges at the edge of the parking lot. A bright flash of light - cop car lights, THEN the boom. We scooped up that cannon and ran as fast as we could. Just got back into the garage seconds before the patrol helicopter flew over. Half hour later we were sanding and finishing again when a cop stopped in the alleyway and asked us if we knew anything. He leaned upon the bow of the boat. Under his elbow was the cannon and the gun powder, right in the bow of the boat under blankets. And that's a true story!

Next time I'll tell you about the 5AM sound effects record.

 

Surprise, surprise!

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5AM, Saturday morning, mom and dad in Las Vegas for the weekend. Best friend and I up to no good for sure. He had a racetrack PA speaker, one of those really really loud speakers and it didn't take much power. He also had a sound effects record. Friday afternoon mom and dad off to Vegas. Saturday morning, shortly before 5AM we set up the PA speaker on the roof behind the mulberry tree so it couldn't be seen. At 5 we played the sound effect of a plane crash, then quickly yanked the speaker down off the roof. We'd gotten away with it. The later edition of the news paper reported a plane crash with no wreckage found in our town.

And that's another true story.

 

 

Practical joke (April Fools day):

Took an old birthday card, the kind when you open it there's a recorded track that plays. This one was of Rosanne Rosanna Danna (Saturday Night Live) talking about Endangered Feces. Pulled out the electronics with the battery and speaker along with the contact switch that was separated by a slip of paper. Taped it under the bosses desk drawer and connected the slip of paper to the back of the desk. When he opened the drawer he heard talking. Started looking around the room trying to figure out who he was hearing. Went to the window, to the wall, listened as best he could. Finally he determined it was coming from under his desk. Bending down and finding it he turned to me and said "TONY!". Then he said "I gotta do this to the big bosses son."

True story.