A friend was updating his life insurance policy.

Agent: Do you still ride a motorcycle?
Yes.
Agent: Do you still Scuba dive?
Yes.
Agent: Do you still work with explosives for fireworks shows?
Yes.
Do you still smoke cigars... Oh, never mind.

 

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man."

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?

 

​

 

So here's something that gets me in trouble with sports _enthusiasts_ who don't see it's just play on words

I say leisure sports can interfere with social life! Cuz for example:

◊Good tennis players are poor lovers.
◊Poor golfers don't drink.

Any takers?

 

Any takers?

Seems you've got them stumped - So... Being, as I am, well versed in the ways of your particular species of 'insanity' - I'll have a go

◊Good tennis players are poor lovers.

This would seem rather (perhaps too?) obvious... So my guess: Proficient tennis players tend to score better than zero (love)?

◊Poor golfers don't drink.

Hmmm... How about this: Because inept golfers tend to destroy tees - and, hence, might fairly be termed: 'Tee Total-ers'?

Otherwise I can but imagine it's something to do with the not-uncommon reference to tournaments as 'cups' -- but then such is not unique to golf?

How'd I do?

TTFN
HP

 

There are no words .....

 

Seems you've got them stumped

HP It's more like everybody who appreciates my weird humor is ether banned or left

Hmmm... How about this: Because inept golfers tend to destroy tees - and, hence, might fairly be termed: 'Tee Total-ers'?

HP OMG! You got it! Now I knew the tennis one was too easy but I didn't think anybody would get the golf pun! So since I never told that joke to anybody you have to tell me how you worked it out? So I'm thinking maybe I forgot hearing it somewhere else and so thought it was my creation? Cuz if that's it I totally promise it was honest mistake!

 

Now I knew the tennis one was too easy but I didn't think anybody would get the golf pun!

FWIW, I got the tennis one quickly but would NEVER have gotten the golf one.

 

So here's something that gets me in trouble with sports _enthusiasts_ who don't see it's just play on words

I say leisure sports can interfere with social life! Cuz for example:

◊Good tennis players are poor lovers.
◊Poor golfers don't drink.

Any takers?

I certainly wouldn't try to make any money in stand up, if I were you.

 

FWIW, I got the tennis one quickly but would NEVER have gotten the golf one.

Wayneh Tnx! Thanks! I'm still waiting for @Hypatia's Protege to say how she got it!?

I certainly wouldn't try to make any money in stand up, if I were you.

Spinnaker one thing I totally like abt you is you can always be counted on for an honest opinion!

 

So here's something that gets me in trouble with sports _enthusiasts_ who don't see it's just play on words

So since I never told that joke to anybody

--Emphasis Added--


Beware the perils of the untold joke? -- Golly!

I'm still waiting for @Hypatia's Protege to say how she got it!?

But then I thought I had...

Being, as I am, well versed in the ways of your particular species of 'insanity'

But really! Do you imagine your incessant rants upon the base iniquity of 'green scalpers' are entirely lost upon me?

Oh... very well then... Pursuant to your 'stipulation' that a 'play on words' was 'in play' - 'twas a mere matter of identifying the 'best fit' from among common 'temperance related' phrases - the coincidence of 'tee' being the 'clincher' as it were...

I'm thinking maybe I forgot hearing it somewhere else and so thought it was my creation? Cuz if that's it I totally promise it was honest mistake!

I wouldn't lose any sleep over it! -- Nobody's gonna claim rights in that turkey! - 'Subconscious plagiarism' notwithstanding!

TTFN
HP

 

 

View attachment 147680

...And did said mishap occur in 'the great state' of Minnesota, she'd have been 'breathalyzed' and, if indicated, booked on felony DWI charges

Wadda world!
HP

 

...And did said mishap occur in 'the great state' of Minnesota, she'd have been 'breathalyzed' and, if indicated, booked on felony DWI charges

Wadda world!
HP

Gotta love Google. Found it almost immediately:
http://golfweek.com/2017/10/26/golf-course-sign-proves-husband-was-right-once/

 

​

 

any catlovers out there?

care to exchange recipes?

you do know cats have 9 lives, makes them perfect for experimentation

 

any catlovers out there?

care to exchange recipes?

Battered and deep fried works for me!

 

any catlovers out there?

care to exchange recipes?

you do know cats have 9 lives, makes them perfect for experimentation

Mystery solved.

Now we know why there aren't any great Australian comedians.

 

any catlovers out there?

care to exchange recipes?

you do know cats have 9 lives, makes them perfect for experimentation

Mystery solved.

Now we know why there aren't any great Australian comedians.

But then... I daresay anything @tom_s may want in the way of humor is more than compensated by daring - considering the abundance of 'feline-themed' avatars hereabouts!

TTFN
HP

 

But then... I daresay whatever @tom_s may want in the way of humor is more than compensated by daring - considering the abundance of 'feline-themed' avatars hereabouts!

TTFN
HP

Yes, one has to recognize that a good sense of humor also requires some degree of courage...