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If its been in the sun a long time then you don't step in it, you trip over it. I've tripped over a few -- tried harder not to step on them.
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Adult Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there lived a King. The King had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS. But there was a problem Everything the princess touched would melt!!! No matter what; Metal,
Wood,
Stone,
Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.The King despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the King, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,she will be cured... The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the King's wealth...
THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the Princess, 'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.' The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The King was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third Prince married the Princess and they both lived happily ever after. Question: What was in the Prince's pants?
M& M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”
So, did the nurse get fired for violating HIPAA rules or does she get off on the technicality that she was actually telling the patient?
Some measurement units you may not have heard of:
- Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
- 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
- 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
- Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
- Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
- Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = 1 knotfurlong
- 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 lite year
- 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
- Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
- 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
- Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
- Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
- 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
- 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
- 1000 cc's of wet socks = 1 literhosen
- 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
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Old commie jokes.
"So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work."
Q: How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin?
A: Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve, and the rest will run away.[4]
"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" – "Yes" – "And how many have you collected so far?" – "Three and a half labor camps."
"So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work."
Q: How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin?
A: Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve, and the rest will run away.[4]
"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" – "Yes" – "And how many have you collected so far?" – "Three and a half labor camps."
2 birds sitting on a perch
one says to the other, 'something smells fishy here'
---
my partner keeps telling to stop acting like a stork
think i might have to put my foot down
---
how do you catch a unique bird?
unique up on it
---
how do you catch a tame bird?
the tame way, unique up on it
---
only reason the farmers on the other side of the road is because he's catching all the chickens
one says to the other, 'something smells fishy here'
---
my partner keeps telling to stop acting like a stork
think i might have to put my foot down
---
how do you catch a unique bird?
unique up on it
---
how do you catch a tame bird?
the tame way, unique up on it
---
only reason the farmers on the other side of the road is because he's catching all the chickens
Female medical examination
During the medical examination of a female patient, the British doctor says,
'your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part
that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.' The lady starts taking off her undies,
but is interrupted by the doctor. 'No! No! just stick out your tongue.'
During the medical examination of a female patient, the British doctor says,
'your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part
that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.' The lady starts taking off her undies,
but is interrupted by the doctor. 'No! No! just stick out your tongue.'
my four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse. after waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.
after the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?”
without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
after the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?”
without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”
my doctor took one look at
my gut and refused to believe that
I work out, so I listed the exercises
I do every day:
jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
Don't forget:
Championing your cause
Jerkin' the gherkin
Pocket pool
Choking the chicken
Adjusting the antenna
Slapping the monkey
Buttering the corn
Flogging the bishop
Flogging' the dolphin
Greasing the three-legged cow
Pounding the flounder
Pulling rank
Stretching the truth
Fixing the Hubble
Paddling the pink canoe
Buttering your muffin
Jerkin' the gherkin
Pocket pool
Choking the chicken
Adjusting the antenna
Slapping the monkey
Buttering the corn
Flogging the bishop
Flogging' the dolphin
Greasing the three-legged cow
Pounding the flounder
Pulling rank
Stretching the truth
Fixing the Hubble
Paddling the pink canoe
Buttering your muffin
Remember, I am an atheist, but I find this funny:
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s*!t?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s*!t?"
And then she went back to reading her book.
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency service. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator says: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”
The operator says: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is silence, then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “OK, now what?”
The second one reminds me of the house I stayed at when in the Philippines on business. One Saturday afternoon one of the maids came in and said we should go outside. I ask her why and she said "maybe a fire.' Turns out all the air conditioners were running and the wire at the pole wasn't hooked up real good. The circuit breakers were smoking and the tree by the wire was on fire.
It not only boots up the space heater, it does ctrl-alt-del.
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