now it makes sense!


View attachment 100059

Not to hijack the jokes thread, but what did you use to make the picture?

 

Not to hijack the jokes thread, but what did you use to make the picture?

MS Powerpoint.

click in picture to highlite,
Select Picture menu tab that appears on right of header to bring up the picture menu options.
Select "Remove background" from left side of menu bar.
Adjust with Keep and Remove as needed if the suggestion is not what you wanted.

Paste new picture onto document
Select new picture and right-click (ORDER - send to back)
slide new picture behind old picture. It will be visible in areas where you remived background.
Use windows snipping tool to select the part of the image that you want - it becomes a jpg that you can past in to AAC to make readers: understand, laugh, cry or ask, "how did you do that."

 

 

MS Powerpoint.

click in picture to highlite,
Select Picture menu tab that appears on right of header to bring up the picture menu options.
Select "Remove background" from left side of menu bar.
Adjust with Keep and Remove as needed if the suggestion is not what you wanted.

Paste new picture onto document
Select new picture and right-click (ORDER - send to back)
slide new picture behind old picture. It will be visible in areas where you remived background.
Use windows snipping tool to select the part of the image that you want - it becomes a jpg that you can past in to AAC to make readers: understand, laugh, cry or ask, "how did you do that."

To cool!
Thanks!

 

Philosophers of Last Century
~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.
~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
kickboxing.
~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.
~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Warren Tantum...
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something

 

The Sheer Nightgown....


A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500
in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer thatit might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin

 

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
- Winston Churchill
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease". "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.".
"He had delusions of adequacy.
- Walter Kerr.
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill.
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow.
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas.
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain.
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.".
- Oscar Wilde.
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.".
- Stephen Bishop.
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright.
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb.
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson.
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating.
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand.
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker.
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain.
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde.
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang.
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

 

@boatsman, you must work a bit harder (or at least faster):

http://forum.allaboutcircuits.com/threads/the-jokes-thread.60389/page-50#post-859305

http://forum.allaboutcircuits.com/threads/the-jokes-thread.60389/page-59#post-898822

 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West.
.

I would hazard a guess obviously aimed at W.C. Fields.
Max.

 

@joeyd999
My humble apologies. I hadn't noted that these posts were from AAC, viz you.

 

@joeyd999
My humble apologies. I hadn't noted that these posts were from AAC, viz you.

No apologies necessary -- and I didn't write them. Got 'em in a chain mail awhile back. All's good.

 

My humble apologies. I hadn't noted that these posts were from AAC, viz you.

I would think with 1800+ posts it is easy to do!!
Max.

 

I would think with 1800+ posts it is easy to do!!

I've pretty much memorized this entire thread (I like humor). I usually know when I've run across something that I haven't seen here. If it strikes my funny bone in just the right way, I post it.

 

I've pretty much memorized this entire thread

You're the first case of eidetic humor I've ever seen! ...

 

​

 

Two guys were arguing about what was in Bud Light, so they sent an unmarked sample to the state lab for analysis. Two weeks later they got a letter back, "Dear sir, I regret to inform you that your horse has diabetes..."

 

Two guys were arguing about what was in Bud Light, so they sent an unmarked sample to the state lab for analysis. Two weeks later they got a letter back, "Dear sir, I regret to inform you that your horse has diabetes..."

I am not a fan of Bud, but...

...this joke would be far more appropriate if Busch Light were the butt of it.

In fact, Busch Light is the butt of a lot of things....

 

I am not a fan of Bud, but...

...this joke would be far more appropriate if Busch Light were the butt of it.

In fact, Busch Light is the butt of a lot of things....

A couple of the few light beers that I actually like are Sam Adams' Light, and Michelob Ultra

 

That joke is very versatile, you can make fun of almost any beer, just so long as it is the right color.