The Jokes thread

Sparky49

Joined Jul 16, 2011
833
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jpmcCgchR8

Joe Pickett and Nick Prueher of the Found Footage Festival posed Prueher as a fictional TV chef named Chef Keith and attempted to get him booked on local morning news shows in the Midwest. The result was five disastrous TV appearances.

EDIT: The original link was to a video which got taken down, I've replaced it with a currently working link.
 
Last edited:

strantor

Joined Oct 3, 2010
6,875
On my deployment 2007, we had a particularly clownish Junior Officer, with whom I shared periscope duty. We were patrolling a very busy piece of water; cargo ships going this way and that way, all the time.

In our contact tracking system, we assign a name to every vessel that we detect through various means (sonar, AIS, radar, visual) and we consolidate/compile all the data from these four means on a digital chart/plot, under the name assigned. So for example if sonar detects a vessel that they suspect to be a trawler on bearing 221, the periscope operator pauses on 221 on his next seep and if he sees a trawler on 221, and AIS confirms there is a trawler on 221 and AIS says that trawler's name is "Peachy Peach," then every time the periscope operator comes around, he pauses to look at the Peachy Peach and says "Hold Peachy Peach this bearing" and Fire Control (me) presses a button to capture the bearing. This bearing gets sent to the chart/plot and becomes part of the data contributing to our record of where the Peachy Peach is/was in position and time. If the contact is not in AIS then it will be assigned some generic name like "Merchant 023." If we get close enough to read the name of the ship, the periscope operator will say "Redesignate Merchant 023 'Discoverer Glades'" (or whatever the name is), and we change the name in our system and every time the periscope operator comes around, he says "Hold Discoverer Glades this bearing." Sonar might call out from the sonar shack "Control, Sonar, doppler shift on contact Discoverer Glades; Believe contact changed course" and on his next sweep the periscope operator will pause on the bearing of Discoverer Glades and confirm/deny; "Negative Sonar, Discoverer Glades maintains same Angle On The Bow."

At the first part of this deployment, in this super high contact density situation it was very stressful. There might be 20 or 30 ships in visual range; any one (or many) of them might unexpectedly change course and threaten to mow down the submarine. Well, after a few weeks on station, the control room crew became accustomed to this situation and despite the endless possibilities of our demise, we grew bored and almost complacent.

This clownish Junior Officer comes on watch one day, gets on the scope, and after about half an hour calls out "Fire Control, hold merchant this bearing, not present in AIS, designate "Nosmo King"." So we create a new contact in the system, "Nosmo King" and start entering periscope observations. After a while we start getting sonar data on that contact as well, and before long we have a very accurate solution on his position, course, and speed. Then after a while, the JO reports the Nosmo King on a totally different bearing than what he should be on according to our solution. We ask him to double check, and he confirms, Nosmo King is definitely on that bearing. We start going back and reevaluating our solution, evaluating possible maneuvers, etc. In order for the Nosmo King to have jumped from where he was previously to where he was then, he would have had to been going 10knots faster than what a merchant can go, or he was much closer (dangerously close) than we thought. We were worried, not sure what was going on, and whispering among ourselves whether or not we should call "Emergency Deep" (a knee-jerk reaction where we rapidly dive the sub to avoid collision), when the JO reports the Nosmo King on the correct bearing that we expected it to be on, per our solution. So we have the JO look down both bearings; the bearing we expect the Nosmo King to be on, and the bearing he reported previously. He reports the Nosmo King on both bearings.

So there are two ships with the same name, Nosmo King. We create 2 contacts in the system, Nosmo King 1 and Nosmo King 2. Going into the middle of the watch, this whole thing happens again, Nosmo King 3. By the end of the watch, there are 5 Nosmo Kings.

This is what he was seeing through the scope. Just being a jackass. When we turned the watch over to the next duty section, they had hell figuring that mess out.
 

#12

Joined Nov 30, 2010
18,224
Ah...my tax dollars at work. :D

So that's what the armed forces do...sneak around spying on legitimate citizens going about their legitimate business and play at calculating how to shoot them. As a legitimate citizen, I appreciate that about as much as a prison rape gang. Thank you for your service.
 
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