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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
My mother wasn't just a permanent child, she epitomized the worst of the Appalachian hillbilly stereotype.I'm so sorry man. I can't imagine how that must feel like
She was a caricature of the Hatfield/McCoy feud.
I think the local hobby was inventing paranoid slander about your neighbors, just to get some excitement going back in them thar hills.
I never knew what was coming next because she didn't start with a grain of truth. She could dream up horrible, atrocious lies from pure imagination. Her sister was the same way. That's why I'm afraid of all the southern redneck states. A fellow could get lynched if the local clan believed the things they said!
How it felt? It felt joyous to sing at her funeral!
It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. A dark cloud that hung over me for 50 years had been removed from my life. Finally! A blue sky and clear sailing ahead without fear of people confronting me about some despicable behavior I had never heard of. No more sinister motives for ordinary behavior. No more paranoid fantasies about things that never happened. No more being asked why men buy Kleenex. No more finding her listening at the bathroom door. No more insults about being better educated than she was. No more finding out what she had been saying to my friends.
It was a good funeral.
I heard of him for the first time when learning RFOBASIC, a language oriented to tablets running Android.
RFO stands for Richard Feynman Observatory. Paul Laughton, creator of the language is curator of the Observatory.
As a curiosity, he gave names to the different parts of his house, including the name of our compatriot Fangio for that of the garage IIRC.
(In total confidence, César, let me tell you that I am not worried of anyone reporting me as derailing this thread...
)
That fact keeps psychologists in business.We all are the living outcome of this "learn by doing".
A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.
As he lay unconcious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
---
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
As he lay unconcious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
---
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and your child's name is Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go home."
Joey, are you the one on the left or the right?
That is a really interesting image. The position of the two guys can be flipped and it will also be true - Body builders are never happy.I'm the good-looking one:
That explains why I'm mostly happy. I'm neither one of those images.
Hey, I'd be happy if I thought I looked like the fat guy but saw myself as a body builder. I would probably feel like I could publicly rate women on a scale from 1 to 10 like I was selling horses; claim "only I" can solve all that is wrong with the world; and lie to the world so poorly that everyone knows it is a lie but since I'm not going to admit to lying, no reporter bothers to challenge my lies.That explains why I'm mostly happy. I'm neither one of those images.
Did you just turn into Donald Trump?
As long as you don't have his hair... you should be just fine...
Better hope for a comfortable minimum: as long as you have hair...
Blonde Men
FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later!
Blond Men
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
-----------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------ ------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------ ---
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------ ------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------ --------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------ ------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------ ------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
FINALLY, it just had to come to this sooner or later!
Blond Men
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
-----------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------ ------
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------ ---
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------ ------
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
------------------------------ --------
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------ ------
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------ ------
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday!
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