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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
A jockey is about to enter an race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says,
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear.
Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear.
The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
"All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear.
Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear.
The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.
This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf. He's blind!"
A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, "I'm sorry... But your pig is dead."
The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."
The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.
The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"
The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."
The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, "Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something."
The vet sighs and heads back to here office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, "See, your pig has definitely passed on." The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for $300.
The woman is again outraged, "$300 just so you could tell me my little piggy died?"
The vet replies, "It was only $40 until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan."
Three men are sitting on a beach in Jamaica talking about how they all ended up there. The first man says, "I ran a superstore out in California. But business got bad so one day there was a bad fire and I collected the insurance money and moved out here."
The next man says, "I had a Jewelry store in the Midwest. But business went downhill and we were robbed. So I collected the insurance and moved out here."
The final guy says, "I had a little fishery on the East Coast. One day a hurricane hit and I collected the insurance money. I had nothing left but the money so I moved out here."
The other two men look confused for a while then ask him, "How in the world did you start a hurricane?
The next man says, "I had a Jewelry store in the Midwest. But business went downhill and we were robbed. So I collected the insurance and moved out here."
The final guy says, "I had a little fishery on the East Coast. One day a hurricane hit and I collected the insurance money. I had nothing left but the money so I moved out here."
The other two men look confused for a while then ask him, "How in the world did you start a hurricane?
Too bad there is not a 'groan' button for jokes like that.Don't quit your day job.
below especially for spinnaker and GopherT
---
A funeral director walks into a pharmacy wheeling his latest... customer. He says "you got anything for this coffin?"
---
why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan
---
what do you call a fake noodle?
an impasta
---
why should you never user a dull pencil?
because its pointless
---
A priest, a reverend, and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"
---
a piece of string walks into a bar.
the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.
he walks back into the bar.
the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"
the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"
---
A funeral director walks into a pharmacy wheeling his latest... customer. He says "you got anything for this coffin?"
---
why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan
---
what do you call a fake noodle?
an impasta
---
why should you never user a dull pencil?
because its pointless
---
A priest, a reverend, and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"
---
a piece of string walks into a bar.
the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.
he walks back into the bar.
the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"
the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"
Last edited:
The Frayed knot is getting you a partial redemption - mostly because I think I posted it here some long time ago (how could I be wrong?). I'm also a fan of the Chicken Sedan joke (this is the first time I hear this one - nice).below especially for spinnaker and GopherT
---
A funeral director walks into a pharmacy wheeling his latest... customer. He says "you got anything for this coffin?"
---
why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
because if it had 4 doors, it would be a chicken sedan
---
what do you call a fake noodle?
an impasta
---
why should you never user a dull pencil?
because its pointless
---
A priest, a reverend, and a rabbi walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"
---
a piece of string walks into a bar.
the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.
he walks back into the bar.
the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"
the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"
Well, then here is a chance for you to write your own punch line:
Q. Why did the chicken coop cross the road?
A. ?
I'm thinking along the lines of:
A. Because it was racing the chicken sedan.
But I am sure it could be funnier...
It'sbelow especially for spinnaker and GopherT
---
A funeral director walks into a pharmacy wheeling his latest... customer. He says "you got anything for this coffin?"
A group of people had a funeral for a family member. They carried the coffin through town and up a very steep hill. Suddenly they dropped the coffin. The coffin slide down the hill and through town. The coffin slide right through the doctors office when the lid popped open and the man yelled "Hey doc!, Do you have anything to stop this coffin"?
Because he couldn't compute the value of pi.
This one is for all of you poor married guys. I may have posted it before but it is a goody.
One day God looked down on the earth. He became very upset at the number of women that where running the household. This was not as he intended. He summoned St. Peter into his office and said "Saint Peter, I have a project for you. I want you to assemble all the men of the world into two lines. One line will contain the men where they run the household. The other line will contain men where the woman runs their household".
St. Peter assembled all of the men of the world as God had ordered. The line where the woman ran the household almost encircled the world. There was only one lonely man in the line where the man ran the household. God was very proud to see that there was at least one brave man left in the world. He came to earth and said "MAN tell the rest of the world why you are standing in this place of honor"! The man replied "Ahhh, I don't know. My wife told me to stand here".
One day God looked down on the earth. He became very upset at the number of women that where running the household. This was not as he intended. He summoned St. Peter into his office and said "Saint Peter, I have a project for you. I want you to assemble all the men of the world into two lines. One line will contain the men where they run the household. The other line will contain men where the woman runs their household".
St. Peter assembled all of the men of the world as God had ordered. The line where the woman ran the household almost encircled the world. There was only one lonely man in the line where the man ran the household. God was very proud to see that there was at least one brave man left in the world. He came to earth and said "MAN tell the rest of the world why you are standing in this place of honor"! The man replied "Ahhh, I don't know. My wife told me to stand here".
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as
Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette
in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is
coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers,
you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a
bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But
that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I
quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette
in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan .
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had
various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I
found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me
around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy
Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is
coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair,
had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers,
you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a
bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But
that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one
hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I
quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you
said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day
praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was
lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs
and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may
not have been the best way to start."
Strange Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
That can be a very confusing statement on this site.
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