A rich man goes to Africa for a safari taking his faithful pet along for company.

One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks: “Oh God, I am in deep doo doo now"

But then, he sees some bones on the ground close by and immediately starts to chew them with his back to the approaching cat. Just when the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, with a look of terror and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

The monkey quickly strikes a deal with the feline who, now furious at being made a fool of, says:

"Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that bloody dog" so, off they head to the pet at great speed.

When the dog sees the leopard with the monkey on his back, thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

When they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that f***ing monkey! I can't trust him!

I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"

 

But what happened to the rich man? Did the leopard ate him?

 

But what happened to the rich man? Did the leopard ate him?

Not for the moment. Maybe in an future joke.

Meantime...

 

'Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?''

The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ''Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.''

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, ''OK, now what?''

 

 

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."

 

Reminds me of an episode of "I Love Lucy" with Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz called "Job Switching". Lucy goes to work at a chocolate factory and Ricky (Desi's character) becomes a "housewife". He goes to cook Chicken and Rice and cooks up 1 lb. per person by accident.

Wish I had a video clip....

 

Spary49-knows about I Love Lucy.

 

Is this one of those moments where I know what I Love Lucy is?

I have the problem with rice, but also with pasta. Like if I'm making Carbonara, I'll fill the pan with pasta so it covers the bottom (about 1 portion according to packet), but it only covers the bottom. That can't be enough. So I end up filling the pan perhaps 1/3. Of course when I drain the pan, I realise my mistake.

 

Hello Sparky,

Do you mean this one?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FLpXmxTbbM

Bertus

 

Hello Sparky,

Do you mean this one?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FLpXmxTbbM

Bertus

That's the one, bertus. Thank you!

 

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’ s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie

 

 

commonly confused words

 

Words I sometimes confuse:

scrumptious - (of food) extremely appetizing or delicious

sumptuous - splendid and expensive-looking
"the banquet was a sumptuous, luxurious meal"

Once I said:

"excruciating circumstances" when I meant to say "extenuating circumstances"

 

Confusing words, seen frequently.

• There
• Their
• They're

 

obviate and ovulate. I made that embarrassing mistake before

 

Words I sometimes confuse:

scrumptious - (of food) extremely appetizing or delicious

sumptuous - splendid and expensive-looking
"the banquet was a sumptuous, luxurious meal"

Once I said:

"excruciating circumstances" when I meant to say "extenuating circumstances"

Once I sent an email to somebody in UK who was expecting to meet me there. I later realized that my spelling checker corrected a wrong word as "fly" instead of "flight". He must be still laughing because the fly from Malabo was arriving next day at around 10.30 hours.

 

Confusing words, seen frequently.

• There
• Their
• They're

As you all know here, non-native myself, I dare to say, that is, by far, the most frequent in all forums I participate.

 

Yeah, imagine sitting in Biology, teacher asks what a GMO is.

"Genetically modified orgasm, madam!"