R!f@@ noted... Good one. Two 555's

Er....ain't that a 556 ?? { oK it ain't funny... so sue me !!! ]

 

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,

"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"



THE OLD FARMER SAID,

"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."


"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT.


"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.




THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER

UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,

"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"



I hope this does not offend anyone , especially farmers !

 

I'm just glad you called it a rooster.

 

Hello,

Bill just got two in one.
He posted reply 555 and got post 556 in the thread.

Bertus

 

 

City slicker moves out to the country to start a chicken farm. He stops into the local Agway (farmers supply store) and orders 20 chicks.

A week later he stops back and orders another 20 chicks. Another week goes by and another 20 chicks.

The Agway man says to the city slicker, "That is a heck of a chicken farm you are building and for someone from the city too, I'm impressed"!

The city slicker looking a bit bewildered, said, "You know I really don't know what my problem is. I don't know if I am planting them too deep or too close together".

 

Happy almost-Easter, folks!

 

Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday Apr 16th 2010

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past an M & S Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Golf Clubs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors..

 

I would like to add:

Class 13:
How to avoid telling your son that doing 20mph in a 50mph zone with a line of cars behind is still too fast.



lol

 

Redneck word for the day: Obama

" bought a whole case of beer today and drank it Obama self."

 

Redneck word for the day: Obama

" bought a whole case of beer today and drank it Obama seef."

You made one slight spelling error. Corrected above.

 

______________________________

 

Speeding police?

Bertus

 

Best way to pi$$ off a cop? Pretend the laws apply to him.

 

 

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN, OPEN TO MEN ONLY!!?

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. - Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? - Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. - Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: - DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? - Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. - Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. - Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. - PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST - Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? - With driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. - Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. - Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. - Bring your calendar or PDA to class

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. - Individual counselors are available

p.s. just trying to balance it out a bit

 

Good to see you again justtrying! Haven't seen you post much lately, was wondering what you were up to

 

Thanks for a welcome back Matt. I've been checking the site, but had no time to participate. Really missed it.

I've been trying to settle into my job and new environment. Been a bit challenging, plus we just got hit with a few changes in the department. Let's just say I've been encountering a lot of the following:


How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?

1. A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.
2. None, they like to keep employees in the dark.
3. "This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..."
4. "We've formed a task-force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder."

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
1. "I want a detailed memo about this issue till tomorrow's morning."
2."You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!"
3."We haven't got a policy on that".
4. "I am on my way to a very important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time."
5. Three. Two to find out if it needs changing, and one to tell an employee to change it.

 

Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out.

The sweat is jumping off his brow while the plane is landing and screeching to a halt.

He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the shortest runway I ever landed on."

The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so fu**ing wide...!"

 

_____________________