Left it at home? Where? In the box? 8D

 

@nsaspook

 

No ill will to my american friends ... I just found it funny :

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I remember arguing with a kid from England long ago who thought the kilometer was longer than the mile...

 

 

“Poor old fool.” Thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.

 

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.

And that, my friends, is how Shit Happens.

 

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.
The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."
The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."
Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

 

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

 

"Doctor, I've got this very strange condition. I fart all the time, but they don't smell and are completely silent. You probably didn't notice, but I've farted six times since you entered the room."
The doctor nods and writes a script. "Take these and come back in a week."
A week later the old lady comes back to the doctor "You sonofabitch! I don't know what you gave me but it just made everything worse. I still fart all the time, they are still silent, but now they all stink!"
The doctor nods and says "Well, we cleared your sinuses, now let's see what we can do about your hearing."

 

My wife called me from the cash machine for the card's pin number
I said 7496
she said it didnt work
I said 7469
she said it didnt work
I said 4796
she said the machine took away the card
I said thank god

 

A neutron goes into a bar & orders a drink
The bartender serves the drink and the neutron asks "What do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge"

 

I'm crazy about electronics but I don't know how to conduct myself!
I am lousy at telling science jokes, but I guess we all have our quarks.
I was going to tell a joke about two noble gases but I knew it wouldn't get much of a reaction. That just proof studying chemistry can be so boron.
But I do find anti-gravity jokes very uplifting. By the way! There is a rumor in the air that there's a new coronavirus but don't go spreading it around.

 

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Flat earthers; if the earth WAS flat then there would be no time zones. The sun would rise in China at the same time it rose in New York and in California. Don't believe me? Make a flat disk and put China on one end and California on the other. Then use a flash light to simulate the sunrise. Both ends light up.

And if the earth WAS flat, what's on the other side?

And if the earth WAS flat, cats would have knocked everything off of it by now.

 

I was going to argue until I got the part about cats !

 

I was going to argue until I got the part about cats

Awe geez, that's worth two thumbs up.

Does your kitty have a name?

Right now I have three little darlings. Midnight, black, 11 years old (actually has turned more of a dark smokey grey) and two black Tuxedo's, male and female twins named Castor and Pollux. Castor is the male; Polly is the female. They were born May 9th this year. Gosh I'm so scratched up from Cas'. He plays rough.

 

Yup, he's Pippen or Pippy for short.