Pigeon lives matter

And what? Pepperoni lives don't? THAT's discrimination!

 

Here’s a T-shirt you might like...

 

Love it! I have seen the full bridge rectifier ones but that one is even better.

 

If a woman was wearing that shirt I'd wonder what the two potentiometer knobs were for.

{{{note to self: Pg. 83}}} {{{Yeah, I got a long way to go to catch up}}}

 

Have you ever heard of Irish Alzheimers.

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It's where you only remember the grudges..

 

Have you ever heard of Irish Alzheimers.

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It's where you only remember the grudges..

Same could be argued for the Scottish ...

 

Man is driving along a back road in West Virginia in his pickup truck when spots a man sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a field rowing as hard as he could. He pulls over, gets out and walks over to the fence and hollers over to him Just what in the hell are you doing. The man in the boat hollers back You damn idjit I'ma rowing over to the other side of the field what the hell does it look like I'm adoin. The man at the fence hollers back It's stupid sumbitches like you that give us West Virginians a bad name, if I could swim I'd come out thar and whup the tar outta ya.

 

I told my som to stop playing Russian roulette but you know how kids are.

In one ear out the other.

 

Here’s a T-shirt you might like...

View attachment 183010

I’ve been wanting to make a shirt that says I’m a C student. C# or C++ is too obvious.

It proud parents of C student. You get the drift.

 

"Is that a sandwich in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

 

I recently ordered some tweezers from electronics store and it was developing static electricity so I returned them

They sent me replacements free of “charge”

 

Jose: “Hey Jesus, how come you always have more money than me? We work the same corners!”

Jesus: “It’s the signs!”

Jose: “Mine says ‘work for food’. What does yours say?”

Jesus: “Five dollars more and I can go home to Mexico!”

 

Jose: “Hey Jesus, how come you always have more money than me? We work the same corners!”

Jesus: “It’s the signs!”

Jose: “Mine says ‘work for food’. What does yours say?”

Jesus: “Five dollars more and I can go home to Mexico!”

 

Man walks in and sits down at the bar putting his large shopping bag down on the bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings him his drink and out of curiosity says to him What in the bag. The man takes a sip of his drink and then reaches into the bag and brings out an exquisitely crafted miniature grand piano and matching bench seat and places them on the bar. The bartender looks at in surprise and says Wow that's a pretty fancy toy piano. The man says no, no and reaches back into the bag and brings out this little man dressed in Tux N Tails and puts him down on the bar. The little man sits down at the piano and is playing beautifully on it. The man says Go ahead and ask the pianist to play whatever you want to hear, he can play anything. The bartender names a couple of tunes and the little man is playing them amazingly well. The bartender says I am impressed, where did you find him. The man says I was on vacation and walking along the beach and saw something in the sand. I picked it up and it looked like an old bottle and I was wiping the sand off of it. Suddenly smoke started spewing out of the top of it and a Genie popped out of the smoke and offered me one wish. The bartender says now I know you are pulling my leg. The man says no, no and reaches into the bag and brings out an ancient-looking bottle and puts it on the bar. The bartender says Now I know you're pulling my leg. The man says go ahead and try it. The bartender is skeptical but picks up the bottle and rubs on it and sure enough, smoke starts spewing out of the bottle. A Genie pops out of the smoke and tells the bartender he will grant him one wish. The bartender still somewhat skeptical says OK I wand a million bucks. The Genie says Your wish is my command, snaps his fingers and disappears back into the cloud of smoke being sucked back into the bottle. Immediately the bar is filled with ducks, one million ducks. The bartender is furious and shouts over the noise of the ducks What the hell is this, some kind of joke. The man sighs and says no I'm sorry I should have warned you the old Genie is kind of hard of hearing. You don't really think I asked for a 12" pianist, do you?

 

@SamR A bit long in the delivery, but I like the punch line at the end. If you can shorten it you'd have a smash hit.

 

But it’s not that long... he ended up with a 12 inch pianist

 

Monica - the girl from the Clinton scandal was walking along the beach in Daytona Florida when she found a lamp that had washed up. She polished it and out popped a Genie. He, too, promised her ONE wish. She thought about fame, then realized everyone knew her. She thought about money but then remembered her book deal. Then it hit her. "Genie" she said, "I want to get rid of these love handles!"

POOF! Her ears fell off.

 

I do tend to get... Long fingered?

 

Judge: You went into the boutique and stole a dress?
Man: It was for my wife Your Honor
Judge: Three times in a row?
Man: She made me change it twice!!!
Judge: Let this poor man free!!!

 

Cop pulls over a speeding guy who claims he’s fleeing a robbery.

The cop says you’ve done a robbery and you’re running away?

Guys says yeah but don’t look in back I have the loot, so the cops ask him to get out so they can search the car. The guy says don’t do that I got a gun. The cops decide it’s time to call in backup. Squad cars show up. There’s a helicopter and going through the car they find nothing.

Sir, the policemen said you had a gun and was fleeing a robbery but we found no evidence of this.

Guy says that liar probably told you I was speeding too.