Practical joke (April Fools day):

Took an old birthday card, the kind when you open it there's a recorded track that plays. This one was of Rosanne Rosanna Danna (Saturday Night Live) talking about Endangered Feces. Pulled out the electronics with the battery and speaker along with the contact switch that was separated by a slip of paper. Taped it under the bosses desk drawer and connected the slip of paper to the back of the desk. When he opened the drawer he heard talking. Started looking around the room trying to figure out who he was hearing. Went to the window, to the wall, listened as best he could. Finally he determined it was coming from under his desk. Bending down and finding it he turned to me and said "TONY!". Then he said "I gotta do this to the big bosses son."

True story.

Tuffy Turtle did this on SNL about 20+ years ago.

 

Tuffy Turtle did this on SNL about 20+ years ago.

Didn't see it. We did this 45 years ago. So THERE!

 

Didn't see it. We did this 45 years ago.

They had birthday cards with recorded tracks 45 years ago?!

On what planet?

 

My wife insists I recount this true story.

I have a video camera with a small 7.2V battery. The camera can shoot far more video than the battery can power. So I built a battery pack for it out of 5 D cell batteries. Built it onto a small wooden board and slipped it into an old Aqua Velva shaving kit, ran some wires and made a wooden faux battery for the camera. Worked real nice. Far more power than I needed.

Went to the air show on the Air Force base. They were stopping everybody and checking what we we're bringing in. They stopped me. When they saw the batteries and the wires they immediately called security and had me prove it worked. I shot a video of one of the security guys then played it back for him. My wife thinks it's funny that I tried to bring a bomb looking device on base. They let me on but just asked me to keep things rather inconspicuous so that security didn't tackle me and confiscate my supposed bomb.

Back in the 70’s, I was flying from Boston back to college. There were big flight hijacking concerns. My Mother was always an anxious woman and was worried about me flying. As I was going through security, a large capacitor fell out of my bag. Suddenly, a dozen guns were trained on me, I was tackled to the floor and... my mother fainted!

It was straightened out immediately, but I wouldn’t have wanted to be my father on the way home.

 

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Unless you’re a NE Patriots hater

 

They had birthday cards with recorded tracks 45 years ago?!

On what planet?

Sorry, got mixed up on posts.

45 years ago we put a loud speaker up on the roof and played the plane crash. As far as the pre-recorded birthday card trick, I did that back in 2008. It was the old SNL skit about Endangered Feces, which aired probably around 20 years ago.

 

Some wit vandalized this sign in a public restroom at a grocery store...

 

The worse jokes are people who do stupid things to themselves

You can't fix Stupid

Katy Perry arrived at the 2019 Met Gala looking like an actual chandelier with three layers of light-up candles surrounding her sparkly silver Moschino dress.

 

I’d change her bulbs.

 

I’d change her bulbs.

Not saying She isn't beautiful, Hot body and a great voice
But there has to be something in the Hollywood water that makes you stupid.
Who wouldn't want to change her bulbs
Wonder where She hid the battery pack ?

 

The worse jokes are people who do stupid things to themselves

Shocking!

 

One afternoon Johnny Cochran, lawyer to the OJ Simpson murder trial, was out hunting duck. Flushing some ducks from a blind he fires and knocks down a big one. The duck lands in a farmers field, so Johnny goes over the fence to retrieve the duck. Just then the farmer pulls up in an old beat up Chevy pickup truck, steps out and asks what the hunter is doing there. Johnny says "I'm retrieving my duck." Farmer says "That's MY duck. It's on my property." Johnny sees the confrontation beginning so he says "I'm Johnny Cochran, lawyer who got OJ Simpson off on murder charges. I'm a well known and very high powered lawyer. If you don't let me get that duck I'll take you to court and take every last thing you own." The farmer says "I don't know much about the law in the big cities. Out here we go by the 'Three Kicks Law'." Johnny says "Never heard of it." Farmer says "I get to kick you three times. If you can get up and kick me three times - you can have the duck."

Feeling like he can handle the old farmer, Johnny says "OK, I'll go for tha - - -" and before he can finish his sentence the old farmer has kicked him in {edited for Joey} "St. Elmo's Fire". [original term "stomach"]. Rolling on the ground, the farmer kicks him two more times in the ribs. After several failed attempts to get up, finally, standing, Johnny says "OK, my turn." The farmer says, "Nawh. You can have the duck."

 

...the old farmer has kicked him in the stomach.

Change that to "nuts" and I'll like the joke.

 

Change that to "nuts" and I'll like the joke.

Can you say "Nuts" on the forum
I know you can't say "Donald Trump"!
Found that out the hard way.
I am still learning the rules though.

 

Can you say "Nuts" on the forum...

"Testicles" then. It's scientific.

 

Pauleen enters a local bar and orders a Budweiser. Shortly thereafter she passes out. Not wanting to leave a passed out woman on the floor he takes her to the back room and allows her to sleep it off.

The next day she returns and orders a Budweiser. Shortly thereafter she passes out. Again, the bartender takes her into the back room. Starts thinking, then does the unthinkable; he has his way with her.

The next day she returns and orders a Budweiser. Shortly thereafter she passes out. Once again the bartender takes her into the back room. This goes on all week. So he starts thinking about some of his buddies.

The next day she returns and orders a Coors. The bartender asks: "You always have a Budweiser. Why the Coors?" She replies "Budweiser has been making my cooter sore.

 

Had a toothless friend. Another friend commented "He's the only guy I know who can turn pancakes back into batter."

 

Worked for a company in Connecticut named "Micrognosis". Terms from Greek.

Micros = well, you all know what micro means.
Gnosis = knowledge.

In other words, the name is meant to convey knowledge of very little things. However, I termed the company as "Very little knowledge".

 

@joeyd999 I edited my joke. Hope it suffices all requirements and TOS.

 

Worked for a company in Connecticut named "Micrognosis". Terms from Greek.

Micros = well, you all know what micro means.
Gnosis = knowledge.

In other words, the name is meant to convey knowledge of very little things. However, I termed the company as "Very little knowledge".

That’s how I would have read it