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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
<expletives deleted>
I was just honoring your request. A "thank you" would suffice.
Excellent first (or second, if you count your Cubs post) post. You have a promising future here.
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,662
What dog?Hands up, How many actually saw the dog!
Max.
Hands up, How many actually saw the dog!
Max.
Max must mean the lady across the street in the blue lean outfit.
SHAME ON YOU MAX!
keeping it in the family ways..
erniem - What does your father do for a living?
maxheadroom - He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
erniem - Do you have any brothers or sisters?
maxheadroom - Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
---
a man was waterskiing when he fell into the river
as the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds
the man put his hands in the air and joked, 'Don’t shoot!'
the hunter responded, 'Don’t quack.'
erniem - What does your father do for a living?
maxheadroom - He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
erniem - Do you have any brothers or sisters?
maxheadroom - Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
---
a man was waterskiing when he fell into the river
as the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds
the man put his hands in the air and joked, 'Don’t shoot!'
the hunter responded, 'Don’t quack.'
What happened to the other half?
A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football.
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
---
Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."
Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."
---
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."
---
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbour, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No."
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
---
Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."
Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."
---
Little Girl to her friend: "I'm never having kids. I hear they take nine months to download."
---
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, “That’s a 6-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-pound test line. It’s a good all-around combination, and it’s on sale this week for only $20.”
She says, “It’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!”
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. “Oh, that sounds like a MasterCard,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, ma’am. The rod and reel is $20, but the Duck Call is $11, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.”
She paid it and left without saying a word.
Don't shoot me -- I am just the messenger. But, the "duck call" likely refers to the sound, and the "catfish bait" to the smell.
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,662
Catfish bait is usually the discarded part of a fish left in the sun for a day or so!
If the Crayfish don't get it first!
Max.
If the Crayfish don't get it first!
Max.
My favorite version of that joke is the blind lumber inspector. I can share the punchline if you don't know what I'm talking about. It involves a tuna boat.
Share away.
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