The talk show host was getting stories from an aging World War 1 fighter
pilot. The pilot described (in a strong Swedish accent) one of his more
frightening encounters.

"I was escorting some bombers when a focker came up behind me". At this point,
the host broke in and said, "For those of you listeners not familiar with
aircraft, the Fokker was a German fighter plane".

"Yah, yah", said the pilot. "But this focker was flying a Messerschmidt!"

 

I came home from the golf course today. My wife had left a note on the refrigerator:

"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother."

I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...

What the hell is she talking about?

 

 

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local figure and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, in deed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

 

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 A.M. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as the dangers of smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

 

Interacting with Wendy lately, I woke up remembering some Texas jokes.

Overheard while standing in line:
"Psst...Hey...Tex...are you really from Texas?"
"No...I'm really from Louisiana but I don't want people calling me Louise."

(Rimshot)

What fact do you know when you see a Texan with blue eyes?
He's a quart low.

(Groan)

 

When online jokes go bad.
http://www.craveonline.com/design/1...g-holes-iphone-7-make-headphone-jack#/slide/1

Last week YouTuber TechRax uploaded a video in which he outlined a “secret hack” to get a headphone jack in the iPhone 7. In the video, he uses a drill to forcibly insert a hole into his smartphone which, as you’d imagine, doesn’t actually work. Unfortunately, that joke has flown over the heads of many, and TechRax has therefore been unwittingly responsible for a number of people actually drilling holes into their iPhone 7 handsets. Stop the planet, I want to get off.

 

When online jokes go bad.
http://www.craveonline.com/design/1...g-holes-iphone-7-make-headphone-jack#/slide/1

I tried this. It works perfectly. Highly recommended mod.

 

I tried this. It works perfectly. Highly recommended mod.

Thank goodness he didn't show how to access the hidden USB jack in the iPhone 7 users forehead.

 

Thank goodness he didn't show how to access the hidden USB jack in the iPhone 7 users forehead.

That works, too.

 

Apples a great company with a great leader in technology.

 

LOL. I bought Apple at under $10, before the splits. So yeah, I didn't do as well Forrest but I'm good with it.

Maybe I've mentioned it here before, but if you had invested just $1 in Home Depot in the mid eighties and switched it all to Apple just before they launched the iPod, you'd now have over $2,000,000 from your $1 investment.

Remember that (and where you heard it) when you get your time machine working. Look me up in 1984 and let me know.

Meanwhile in the present, I'll keep watching my account to see how your time machine project is coming along.

 

It's almost like the one that had to change your diaper isn't too impressed with your shit

 

It's almost like the one that had to change your diaper isn't too impressed with your shit
View attachment 112515

Ever read Feynman's biography? It's rather good!

 

No, I can't say I've have but I've seen a couple of interviews and yeah he is one of the smartest persons to ever walk this earth.

 

It's almost like the one that had to change your diaper isn't too impressed with your shit

You can't judge anything by that standard.

The person who changed my diaper told me that she decided I was gay when I was 8 years old, and she wanted me to tell her why I never did anything to validate her belief.
I said, "You've been watching reality for 35 years and you still don't believe it? No wonder they took you to a nut-house and plugged your head into a light socket."

If you judge a person by their mother's opinion, you might have a long journey before you arrive at the truth.

 

You can't judge anything by that standard.

If you judge a person by their mother's opinion, you might have a long journey before you arrive at the truth.

Oh I know I just found it to be a little bit funny. Simply put I introduced my parents to technology not the other way around.

 

You can't judge anything by that standard.

The person who changed my diaper told me that she decided I was gay when I was 8 years old, and she wanted me to tell her why I never did anything to validate her belief.
I said, "You've been watching reality for 35 years and you still don't believe it? No wonder they took you to a nut-house and plugged your head into a light socket."

If you judge a person by their mother's opinion, you might have a long journey before you arrive at the truth.

Ha, we were just talking about weird neighbors from the 1960s and 70s. Dad takes his three sons to the barber and only has enough cash for the older two boys. The little one goes home with long hair. By the time the next haircut is due, the youngest one is at a friend's birthday party so he misses the trip to the barber. By the time the third trip to the barber comes, the mother decides the boy will be the little doll she never had, the 5-year-old kid's hair was all braided up different every day. The week before school started, the mom was in the mental hospital and the kid was shaved nearly bald with a DIY haircut. Dad had enough.

 

Oh I know I just found it to be a little bit funny.

I don't mind the joke, but it hit a nerve so sore that I couldn't laugh.
How sore is it?
My mother was so cruel that I sang, "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead." at her funeral.

 

I don't mind the joke, but it hit a nerve so sore that I couldn't laugh.
How sore is it?
My mother was so cruel that I sang, "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead." at her funeral.

Everyone starts out as a rookie parent. Some become novice, journeymen and a few become masters. Some never stop being a self-centered kid themselves.