Is it trying to force a Windows 10 upgrade?

user friendly, just getting the foot in....

 

user friendly, just getting the foot in....

Sounds like a foothold situation to me.

 

Dentist: - Don’t worry, it will take me only a minute to pull your tooth out.
Patient: - And how much will it cost me?
Dentist - 100$.
Patient - For a 1 minute job?!
Dentist - If you prefer, I can be pulling it out for one hour...

---

At psychiatrist:

- Do you consume alcohol?
- No.
- Do you smoke?
- No.
- Do you use drugs?
- No.
- Do you play cards?
- No.
- Do you run after other women?
- No.
- So why did you come to me?
- You see, doc, I have one little problem - I lie a lot...

 

a screwdriver walks into a bar

the bartender says ' hey we have a drink named after you'

the screwdriver says ' you have a drink called Philip?'

---

Philip asks the bartender 'do you have any helicopter flavoured potato chips?'

bartender replies 'sorry, we only have plain'

---

a potato walks into a bar and all eyes were on him

---

an irishman walks past a bar

... well, it could happen

---

newsflash - a baby seal walked into a club

---

a skeleton walks into a bar and says 'can i have a beer and a mop'

 

rabbi and a priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the priest's house.

one day the rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.

the rabbi asked, ''what are you doing?' the priest responded, 'i'm blessing the car.'

so the rabbi grabs a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

 

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.

The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.

The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

 

A guy meets a prostitute in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’

The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly, ‘Paint…my….house.’

 

Sexting in the 60's

Spoiler

A Dick Pic

 

Puns For Those With A Slightly Higher IQ.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .
Dijon vu - the same old mustard as before .
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

 

 

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Just like being at a real arena rock concert. You can feel the bass in your gut.

 

 

I knew they were silicone!

 

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book!!”

A prospective husband in a bookstore “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor.”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: "I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask."

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day."
Husband: "I too wish that you were a newspaper so I could have a new one every day!"

Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day.” Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.” Again next day, he says same thing – “today is a fine day.” Finally after a week, the wife asks her husband – “Since last week, you are saying today is a fine day. I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband: “Last week when we had an argument, you said, I will leave you one fine day. I was just trying to remind you."

 

Mathematics for the intelligence minded

Mathematics: This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years of experience.

It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud. This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there.

But it’s dedicated Bullshit and persistent Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you understand completely why some people are where they are!

 

This will never work...

A joke and a couple of true stories thrown in for free.


One morning, an engineer asked his technicians how long it would take them to
build part of a prototype for a new design.

When they told him, he thought that they could do it faster so he reduced their time estimate and added an estimate for his own time. The engineer then submitted this estimate for their times to the project manager.

The project manager took his and other engineers' times and said to himself: "It can't possibly take that long to build a prototype" and put their estimates, with some reductions, into a schedule. The project manager took his schedule to the department head.

The department head looked at the schedule and thought "The marketing department isn't going to like this" so he shortened a few of the times scheduled. The department head then sent the schedule to the president of the company.

The president was so impressed with the rapid progress on his pet project that he went to see the newly working prototype that very afternoon.



A true story (more or less) as I had it related to me:
A surveyor was instructed to mark the path of a new highway. On morning he started by selecting a reference to sight to for his measurements. He chose a church steeple near the horizon as a convenient stationary point for his reference.

He then set to his task. He would make a sighting, place a flag to mark the course of the road and then move a ways to set up for the next sighting. After he had been repeating this procedure for a few hours his boss came speeding up to him. "What the H*** do you think you are doing? This road is supposed to be straight."

The surveyor said he knew that and and then turned around to look at a line of flags that was obviously curved. He was baffled until a little investigation showed that the stationary reference wasn't.

The small church was in the process of being moved to a new site!



I was working for a small startup company. A project was running behind schedule and I was working late with a programmer to fix any hardware problems he found.

The bookkeeper was also working late that day. Talking to him we found out that he was having trouble making the books balance.

No matter how many times he ran the numbers they were off by one dollar -- not 99 cents or $1.01. Always exactly a dollar.

As evidence of this, we noticed a long strip of tape streaming from his adding machine with all of the calculations he had done.

The programmer and I stayed later than the bookkeeper. We got to thinking about the "dollar problem" and decided to help. One of us found a dollar bill and stapled it to the adding machine tape. Problem fixed.

The next day I was tracked down by the bookkeeper and thanked for my efforts. He said that, unfortunately, that it did not solve his problem.

He later told me where the dollar discrepancy came from. When the company was formed it had been given a nice, even, valuation. The three engineers
who started the company then split the ownership between them. Each one received a equal share of an even number of dollars and 33 1/3 cents. Being engineers, they just "threw away" the 33 1/3 cents.

Bookkeepers don't deal with rounding like engineers do thus keeping our bookkeeper working late into the night.

 

Emboldened by their success in declaring Pluto not a planet, the International Astronomical Union determined this week by a close vote that February is too short to be considered a true month. It has, however, been granted the newly created status of “dwarf month.” It shares this dubious distinction with several other calendar time spans, including Labor Day Weekend, Christmas Vacation, and the Time Between When You Were Supposed to Get Your Oil Changed and When You Actually Did.

“It only seems fair,” said IAU President Ron Eckers. “February reaches a peak size of 29 days, averaging only 28 days for 75 percent of the time. Recent research has shown that other periods, such as the Time Between When You Were Supposed to Get Your Oil Changed and When You Actually Did, often exceed this meager time frame. In fact, this erratic behavior only strengthens our case that February does not belong in the same classification as the eleven ‘true’ months.”

Eckers also warned that the crop of 30-day “so-called” months should be careful to maintain their number of days. “They’re already cutting it pretty close in my book.”

 

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, the Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary then rolls up her window, looks back at the Mother Superior and quite innocently asks -

"Did that sound cross enough?"

 

Wow ! When she said "cross" I knew but never saw that one coming.

 

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial.
The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten.
The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second guy arrives with ten berries.

When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

edit: this may have been posted here....

otoh i'm still looking for the marbles i lost last week