View attachment 110520

Cheers!​

Thus, presented with another question, another beer is in order.

 

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”No,” he replied, “I'm just a lousy golfer!”

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like heck. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample, and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.... He pours the sample into the slot and waits.. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Costco.."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Costco!

#5 was definitely the punchline...

 

 

A blonde lady motorist, named Donna was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said Donna.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"

"Yes, I know you did," said Donna. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

 

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world, so they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath.

This "duel" would be a dog fight.

The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.

The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine. After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.

When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!

Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp. All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.

As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.

The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite. There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.

The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.

The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand," said their leader, "Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!"

The Israelis replied. "Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund"

 

​

 

Don't try this on the power lines

https://www.youtube.com/embed/CRnjXGOoF50

 

Don't try this on the power lines

video

not a joke but what an effort!

 

 

The fifteen funniest British one-liners:

http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/23/europe/edinburgh-fringe-festival-funniest-jokes/index.html

 

The fifteen funniest British one-liners:

http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/23/europe/edinburgh-fringe-festival-funniest-jokes/index.html

I found the one HP submitted under an assumed name:
7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words." -- Gary Delaney

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

The generous and selfless Irish
The Irish are always the first ones to come to the aid of their fellow man...passengers, in this case!
Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

 

During most cattle drives there was a cook but this herd was small so the cowhands shared the cooking duties. There was one absolute rule: never complain about the cooking. If you complained, you had to take over all of the cooking chores.

The cowboy doing the cooking had tired of having to cook and do the rest of his work as well. One day he went out into the herd and found a nice, juicy cow plop and baked it into a delicious looking treat. At dinner, he served a large piece to everyone.

One cowpoke took a big bite and hollered: "Hey! This here's cow turd pie! Um. Mighty tasty though!"

 

During most cattle drives there was a cook but this herd was small so the cowhands shared the cooking duties. There was one absolute rule: never complain about the cooking. If you complained, you had to take over all of the cooking chores.

The cowboy doing the cooking had tired of having to cook and do the rest of his work as well. One day he went out into the herd and found a nice, juicy cow plop and baked it into a delicious looking treat. At dinner, he served a large piece to everyone.

One cowpoke took a big bite and hollered: "Hey! This here's cow turd pie! Um. Mighty tasty though!"

I "liked" your joke. But the punch line only need say "cow pie", as this is synonymous with "cow turd pie". I know, because I stepped in a few of them as a young'un.

 

I "liked" your joke. But the punch line only need say "cow pie", as this is synonymous with "cow turd pie". I know, because I stepped in a few of them as a young'un.

Ah, yes, but one has a flakey crust and the other does not.

 

Ah, yes, but one has a flakey crust and the other does not.

Ok, I see your point. How about a "cow pie pie" or "cow pie^2"?

 

Ah, yes, but one has a flakey crust and the other does not.

Oh, and that depends on how long it's been sitting in the sun.