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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,663
Hello,
Yes, alternative.
There are many acronyms for IPA:
http://www.acronymfinder.com/IPA.html
We most times use IPA for Isopropyl Alcohol
Bertus
Yes, alternative.
There are many acronyms for IPA:
http://www.acronymfinder.com/IPA.html
We most times use IPA for Isopropyl Alcohol
Bertus
I don't confuse them.
@cmartinez
What is the best selling beer in Mexico?
What is the best selling beer in Mexico?
It depends on the zone... but it's usually TKT light, Sol, and Corona. And I consider the three as being crappy beers. Also Heineken is being promoted quite aggressively... not a fan, though.
Recently many very high quality craft beers made by small breweries have hit the local market. So if you ever see a Mexican craft beer, it's very much worth the risk of trying it out.
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,663
I don't purchase too much from the liquor store, but when I do I prefer a Belgian Abbey Ale, just striving to brew one now!
Max.
Max.
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
She said, "Take off my shirt." So I took off her shirt.
Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.
"Now, my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt.
"Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes.
"Now, my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off.
Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."
Basically I never drink beer and in the past I used to only when abroad. In México, when calling Veracruz and Tampic I tried Corona. Found it quite bad at least for my personal preference while in Japan, there was Saporo beer which I dare to say, tastes almost the same.
Just for the unusual look it offers I tasted locally some lagger bier which I found interesting but I did not insist anyway. It is not a popular variety here. Still red wine based myself.
I was at a conference once and a friend of mine told this joke ... only he did it as a complaint to the hotel manager about how thin the walls were. Her face at the punch line was priceless.
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,663
I heard it back in 1972... when I was 8 years oldBoy that's an oldie, but goodie.
I remember hearing that one in 1960!
Max.
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,663
Back around 1960 the UK decided to build some major motorways linking major cities, requiring a special breed of workers who were required to follow the large earth moving equipment and do all the bull work required, involving 10 & 12 hour days.
Most of these jobs were filled by Irish workers who due to the unemployment rate in Ireland came over in the 100's to fill these jobs.
The weeks-ends were usually consisted of a Saturday night out at the local pub, which often ended in drunken brawls.
So one Monday morning Patrick comes to work sporting a nice shiner of a black eye, so this was the source of ribbing and reference to the pub, whereon Paddy lets them know it was not the pub, but the church where he got the shiner.
Like good Catholics, most attended church on Sunday morning, and as Paddy tells it, the day before was an unusually hot day, he was sat in church and when everyone rose to sing the first hymn he noticed the Coleen in the pew in front of him had on a chiffon-like dress, and due to the static the dress had become wedged between the cheeks of her bum.
So he said, ' without 'tinking I reach over and pull it out, that's when she turned around and decked me'.
So all week this was the source for more ribbing.
The week-end comes and goes and the following Monday Patrick shows up as usual, this time with the other eye sporting a shiner.
More ribbing, 'I swear I was in church again and what do you know, the same lass is in front o' me, and when I stand to sing the hymn, same skirt is again between her cheeks, her lady friend next to her notices it and reaches down and pulls it out, so what could I do? says paddy, 'I knew she didn't want it pulled out, So Whit' the edge of me hand I lean over and push it back in again.!!
Max.
Most of these jobs were filled by Irish workers who due to the unemployment rate in Ireland came over in the 100's to fill these jobs.
The weeks-ends were usually consisted of a Saturday night out at the local pub, which often ended in drunken brawls.
So one Monday morning Patrick comes to work sporting a nice shiner of a black eye, so this was the source of ribbing and reference to the pub, whereon Paddy lets them know it was not the pub, but the church where he got the shiner.
Like good Catholics, most attended church on Sunday morning, and as Paddy tells it, the day before was an unusually hot day, he was sat in church and when everyone rose to sing the first hymn he noticed the Coleen in the pew in front of him had on a chiffon-like dress, and due to the static the dress had become wedged between the cheeks of her bum.
So he said, ' without 'tinking I reach over and pull it out, that's when she turned around and decked me'.
So all week this was the source for more ribbing.
The week-end comes and goes and the following Monday Patrick shows up as usual, this time with the other eye sporting a shiner.
More ribbing, 'I swear I was in church again and what do you know, the same lass is in front o' me, and when I stand to sing the hymn, same skirt is again between her cheeks, her lady friend next to her notices it and reaches down and pulls it out, so what could I do? says paddy, 'I knew she didn't want it pulled out, So Whit' the edge of me hand I lean over and push it back in again.!!
Max.
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,663
Pfizer Viagra production plant!
Max.
Max.
Attachments
Talk about having a woody...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts , and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? ATTORNEY: What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? ATTORNEY: What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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