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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car crash and immediately transported to the Pearly Gates.
The first couple approached St. Peter, only to be rebuffed. "You can't enter because you're a lover of money," said St. Peter. "Why you even married a woman named Penny."
The second couple was also turned away, this time for gluttony. "You even married a woman named Candy," said St. Peter.
And the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Forget about it, Fanny. No way we're getting in."
The first couple approached St. Peter, only to be rebuffed. "You can't enter because you're a lover of money," said St. Peter. "Why you even married a woman named Penny."
The second couple was also turned away, this time for gluttony. "You even married a woman named Candy," said St. Peter.
And the third preacher turned to his wife and said, "Forget about it, Fanny. No way we're getting in."
Hmmm. I wonder how this compares to a "monky wards catalog". A staple of outhouses.
It was in Fair Oak a policeman was making his evening
rounds..As he was checking the Village Motor Co
(a used car lot), he came upon two little old ladies sitting
in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there
in the car or were they trying to steal it?
Ladies: "Heavens no, we bought it."
Policeman: "Then why don't you drive it away?"
Ladies: "We can't drive."
Policeman: "Then why did you buy it?"
Ladies: "We were told that if we bought a Used car from
Village Motors we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting."
rounds..As he was checking the Village Motor Co
(a used car lot), he came upon two little old ladies sitting
in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there
in the car or were they trying to steal it?
Ladies: "Heavens no, we bought it."
Policeman: "Then why don't you drive it away?"
Ladies: "We can't drive."
Policeman: "Then why did you buy it?"
Ladies: "We were told that if we bought a Used car from
Village Motors we'd get screwed ......so we're just waiting."
1st year electrical apprentice: "Now tell me again, how does that voltage and current stuff work?"
Electrical instructor: "It's simple. Just think of it like water."
Meanwhile, over at the plumbers apprentice school:
1st year plumbing apprentice: "Now tell me again, how does that pressure and flow stuff work?"
Plumbing instructor: "It's simple. Just think of it like electricity."
Electrical instructor: "It's simple. Just think of it like water."
Meanwhile, over at the plumbers apprentice school:
1st year plumbing apprentice: "Now tell me again, how does that pressure and flow stuff work?"
Plumbing instructor: "It's simple. Just think of it like electricity."
Only when they give a sh.t
"Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive? A: Because it scares the dog! Q: Why did the poor dog chase his own tail? A: He was trying to make both ends meet! Q: What dog keeps the best time? A: A watch dog! Q: Why don't dogs make good dancers? A: Because they have two left feet! Q: What happens when it rains cats and dogs? A: You can step in a poodle! Q: Why are dogs like phones? A: Because they have collar IDs. Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths? A: A shampoodle! Q: What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper? A: Ruff! Q: What do you call a dog that is left handed? A: A south paw! Q: What did one flea say to the other? A: Should we walk or take a dog? Q: What type of markets do dogs avoid? A: Flea markets! Q: What did the cowboy say when his dog ran away? A: Well, doggone!"
I often share this story to my kids.
I often share this story to my kids.
Once upon a time ...
The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. To this day, that practice is unbroken ...
The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area."
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions. To this day, that practice is unbroken ...
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
Yep. Must be Mexico. They don't have tile bathrooms in Kentucky.
From an unknown source, but somewhat confirmed by Snopes: http://message.snopes.com/showthread.php?t=87513
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving ... ... on the other side?"
While trying to verify that story, I found another that is equally funny in its own right:
http://www.joe.ie/news/incredibly-drunk-french-man-arrested-after-failing-to-resuscitate-dinghy/490289
John
This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving ... ... on the other side?"
While trying to verify that story, I found another that is equally funny in its own right:
http://www.joe.ie/news/incredibly-drunk-french-man-arrested-after-failing-to-resuscitate-dinghy/490289
John
Suzie was all alone.
It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on.
“Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.
“Is he here?” Suzie asked.
“Yes, I sense him,” was her reply.
“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked.
“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.
“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there.
Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently.
“Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on.
“Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”
So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.
“Is he here?” Suzie asked.
“Yes, I sense him,” was her reply.
“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked.
“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic.
“Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there.
Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently.
“Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
a roman walks into the bar holding up 2 fingers and says to the bartender '5 beers please'
---
needed a password 8 characters long so i picked snow white and the 7 dwarfs
---
closest a person ever comes to perfection is when they fill out a job application form
---
me thinks it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos
---
needed a password 8 characters long so i picked snow white and the 7 dwarfs
---
closest a person ever comes to perfection is when they fill out a job application form
---
me thinks it’s pretty cool how the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos
global warming (aka greenies)
how does president obama plan on reducing record high temperatures? - change from fahrenheit to celsius
tom cruise new eco-thriller - mission compostible
---
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her organic vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her organic tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect organic garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
---
you know global warming's real when -
the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off
you find your seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron
hot water now comes out of both taps
no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state
chickens are laying hard boiled eggs
how does president obama plan on reducing record high temperatures? - change from fahrenheit to celsius
tom cruise new eco-thriller - mission compostible
---
Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her organic vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her organic tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red organic tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.
"It's really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment."
Desperate for the perfect organic garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.
Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. "So," he asked, "any luck with your tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly... "but you should see the size of my cucumbers!"
---
you know global warming's real when -
the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off
you find your seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron
hot water now comes out of both taps
no one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning
you realize that asphalt has a liquid state
chickens are laying hard boiled eggs
a bit of this going around in the forums (toilet)
for Christmas last year I got given sudoku toilet paper. it’s useless. you can only fill it in with number ones and number twos.
there was a film called constipated, it never came out.
toilet paper: what a rip off
you hear about the constipated accountant? he couldn't budget.
how many men does it take to put down a toilet seat? who knows - it's never been done.
what do toilets and anniversaries have in common? men ALWAYS miss them.
for Christmas last year I got given sudoku toilet paper. it’s useless. you can only fill it in with number ones and number twos.
there was a film called constipated, it never came out.
toilet paper: what a rip off
you hear about the constipated accountant? he couldn't budget.
how many men does it take to put down a toilet seat? who knows - it's never been done.
what do toilets and anniversaries have in common? men ALWAYS miss them.
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