Spouses of inventors & hard workers in general

Thread Starter

strantor

Joined Oct 3, 2010
5,226
Poor girl.
Try to put yourself in her shoes. Use 5 minutes and think. How would you feel? The one you love and cherish is always busy working or inventing in the garage. I think its wise to talk with her, make her feel good and special.

Respect, patience and dialog/communication.
Yes I do understand (the the extent that I can, without actually being in her shoes). Like I said, she's not being unreasonable. She has only been in the country for a few months; I have tried to get her to go out with my sister & her friends, but she is shy & self consious of her accent/english. I've tried to tell her that making friends here is going to be one of those things like credit; you have to have it to get it and you have to get it to have it. No comfortable place to start.
I have a feeling it is going to get better for her soon, as we just sent our daughter to school last week and she now has the chance to mingle with the other moms at pick-up & dropoff time; only a matter of time before she makes a friend or two. Only problem is that all the other moms speak vietnamese or spanish.
 

nerdegutta

Joined Dec 15, 2009
2,676
Yes I do understand (the the extent that I can, without actually being in her shoes). Like I said, she's not being unreasonable. She has only been in the country for a few months; I have tried to get her to go out with my sister & her friends, but she is shy & self consious of her accent/english. I've tried to tell her that making friends here is going to be one of those things like credit; you have to have it to get it and you have to get it to have it. No comfortable place to start.
I have a feeling it is going to get better for her soon, as we just sent our daughter to school last week and she now has the chance to mingle with the other moms at pick-up & dropoff time; only a matter of time before she makes a friend or two. Only problem is that all the other moms speak vietnamese or spanish.
"If Muhammed won't go to the mountain, bring the mountain to Muhammed".

Invite your sister and friends to dinner Saturday. Make your wife feel comfortable in their company in a "safe" environment. After a few dinners and gamenights, move out to a restaurant.

Let's hope the mingling will pay off. If the other wifes also are foreigners, maybe they are in the same situation...
 

justtrying

Joined Mar 9, 2011
429
It is very difficult to be in a new environment. It took my mom 2 years to become used to where she was. It is more difficult without support. There is a whole set of other issues that she has to deal with besides the regular "husband not spending enough time with family." The cultural barrier often does not go away (still hasn't for me). In a way, you are the one responsible for creating a comfortable situation for her. You really cannot tell someone to make friends, that should happen naturally and may take a long time. The funny thing is, immigrants typically make friends with other immigrants because natives do not understand the "immigrant experience".

Realize that she is in a foreign situation, be very patient, remember why you both created this situation and work on helping her to create a stronger identity in the new country, I believe that once she knows who she is, you might get more tinkering time.
 

Thread Starter

strantor

Joined Oct 3, 2010
5,226
It is very difficult to be in a new environment. It took my mom 2 years to become used to where she was. It is more difficult without support. There is a whole set of other issues that she has to deal with besides the regular "husband not spending enough time with family." The cultural barrier often does not go away (still hasn't for me). In a way, you are the one responsible for creating a comfortable situation for her. You really cannot tell someone to make friends, that should happen naturally and may take a long time. The funny thing is, immigrants typically make friends with other immigrants because natives do not understand the "immigrant experience".

Realize that she is in a foreign situation, be very patient, remember why you both created this situation and work on helping her to create a stronger identity in the new country, I believe that once she knows who she is, you might get more tinkering time.
Another good point.
I have been the immigrant before. I lived with her in her country for the better part of a year before she came here. It was hard; walking through the mall there I might as well have been painted blue, the looks that I got. People always trying to take advantage of me because the assumption I must be a "misplaced tourist". I have lived in other countries as well for shorter periods before. I had assumed that since she will experience none of that, coming into the "melting pot" (especially in our side of town), she won't get any weird looks and would not experience all the things that I did. I guess the main difference between hers and my experience that I hadn't considered is that everything I experienced was temporary, and I knew it was temporary, so that made it bearable. She is in a permanent situation, and its permanence more than outweighs the lesser finer details. Total seperation from everything she knows/knew. I had though about the seperation thing, but not the permanence aspect of it. You have prompted me to be more understanding, and I thank you for that.

This is why I love the forum. These are things that I am not 100% comforatble talking to my friends/family about, and even if I was, they would never understand mine or my wife's unique situation. Here are a lot of different intelligent people with a lot of different backgrounds, all willing to help. no better place than this!
Thanks again!
 

shortbus

Joined Sep 30, 2009
7,670
Is there a church or cultural group of people from her homeland, in your area? I know that this area has a very wide cultural base and there are meetings, dinners and holiday celebrations advertised in the paper all the time for different nationalities.

Maybe she could find and join such a group so she doesn't feel so isolated.
 

Thread Starter

strantor

Joined Oct 3, 2010
5,226
Thats a good idea. we go to church every sunday, and there are a lot of Filipinos there but she doesn't approach them. I try to gently prompt her to talk to them, but she is shy, and I don't want to make her feel like a child. They always hand out papers at the door (which I decline) that probably have all the info you just mentioned about meetings. I'll pick one up, and bring it up in conversation; see what kind of response I get.
 

shortbus

Joined Sep 30, 2009
7,670
The others at church are probably in the same boat. Afraid to make the first move. People of the nationality in a new country will tend to think like they did at home. But someone has to break the ice then your wife and the others will all benefit from it. If she won't do it, why don't you?
 

JMW

Joined Nov 21, 2011
126
One child and one on the way. IMHO wife and child win. They are far more important. You made a vow with the wife and by fiat with the children. Not so with the inventions. Write them down and and add to them in quiet moments. There will be time enough for them down the road.
 
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