OK, the citizenship and the non-biological daughter issues do spin the ball in the other direction. Enjoy being single again.

 

Wow, in less that 4 years ( http://www.electro-tech-online.com/...ouse-with-mystery-noises.126407/#post-1049556 ) you have gone from a delightful marriage to a beautiful woman who can even drive a small excavator and a loving young step-daughter to a situation where the woman would rather be penniless and without you than be with you. What happened? Unfortunately, I can remember almost from the start your haranguing about her very personal medical problems on various forums. It had something to do with her thyroid, didn't it? From what little I know, except for cancer, thyroid conditions are usually far more treatable than, say diabetes is without pancreatic cancer.

All marriages have problems. Do you think you played any part in this separation? Just curious, as you don't seem to have a very good grasp on how your attitude may have contributed.

John

 

I have thought about that considerably but to be honest my attitude changes were largely reactionary not provocative.

Who she was then and who she became now are two totally different people. Whether it was medical or psychological or a some of both in origin she changed substantially over the last two years which was very hard for me to watch and take. So yea I went looking for answers and complained about the changes in her while doing it.


I wanted to marry someone who was like me and thought I did but who she became was to type of person I normally have no interest in being around.

I am outgoing self reliant and very independant. She became the type who expects everything to come from someone else.

I believe in taking reasonable care of my physical and mental health. She figured that the alignments of the planets and stars were what would dictate her mental and physical health.

When I want something I work for it and if no one agrees with me I work for it alone. She figured that everything should be done for her and if not there should be hell to pay.


Tonight I stopped by for a few hours to drop off a few boxes of food and more of her things she wanted from here and to spend some time with my daughter. She was full of more hugs and kisses and lovey dovey crap than my daughter was which is just bewildering to me being for the last two years that woman has openly pointed out to my face and to anyone who would listen that she has zero respect for me and who I am, how I lived my life and what I do for work.

I don't get it.

 

This kind of thing is always tough on everyone involved, especially the kids. Looks like you are trying to do the right thing even after it didn't work out.
Good luck and take care.

 

I wanted to marry someone who was like me and thought I did but who she became was to type of person I normally have no interest in being around.

She was full of more hugs and kisses and lovey dovey crap than my daughter was which is just bewildering to me being for the last two years that woman has openly pointed out to my face and to anyone who would listen that she has zero respect for me and who I am, how I lived my life and what I do for work.

I don't get it.

Been there, done that. Everybody changes over the years. Even if it isn't good or bad, just different, that difference changes the relationship. The cute things that attracted her become the things she despises most, like, "He's such a hard worker" changes to, "He's gone all the time and all I have to show for it is $150,000 a year which I spend as fast as he can make. He refuses to work less hours because we're flat broke, the dirty rat!"

Most often heard complaint in the office of divorce lawyers: "You got me everything he had in the divorce, and I can't even make the payments on them. It isn't fair!"

As for the, "lovey dovey"? There's nothing like a hard dose of reality to wake them up. "I had a safe home, enough cash flow, and a man who adored me. Why can't I find a better man in 10 or 15 minutes?" I never had one that didn't want to come back, but when I've been insulted, abused, and abandoned...I'm done with that one.

 

Been there, done that. Everybody changes over the years. Even if it isn't good or bad, just different, that difference changes the relationship. The cute things that attracted her become the things she despises most, like, "He's such a hard worker" changes to, "He's gone all the time and all I have to show for it is $150,000 a year which I spend as fast as he can make. He refuses to work less hours because we're flat broke, the dirty rat!"

That was a large part of it.

Initially she thought it was good that I was self employed because it gave me lots of free time to spend with her and do things together. I covered the bills plus gave her spending cash and life was simple and good.

Then she wanted more than I could provide or felt was fair so we got her paperwork in order so that she could get a green card and have her own job. All I asked in return was that she chipped in a bit here and there with the home chores and basic expenses.

She didn't want me managing her money for her so I proposed that we have three bank accounts Mine, Hers and ours and that general living expenses would come from the joint account and we would each have our independent accounts that the other person had no say in how their money was spent once the general expenses had been paid. Seemed fair enough to me.

Within a year of getting her green card she landed a local drafting job that payed around $40K base plus had super benefits. Being the job was with the local phone company she got the phone bill being she got everything for half or less of normal as an employee perk.
I still covered the electric bill, vehicle and home insurances, home heat, general maintenance for home and vehicles plus put money in the joint accounts for savings and groceries. At that point she was going to the gym twice a week and we watched what we ate. She was very much my sexy amazon wife!

From there her contributions to the joint accounts dropped to near nothing plus her chipping in around home with general work and whatnot dropped to being near nil too and anything she did do now had a weighted value of her efforts Vs mine with about 10:1 ratio in her favor. Basically anything she did not want to do she was not going to do whether I liked it or not and what she did do was going to be done her way regardless of whether she had any clue about how to accomplish it or not.
By then she had quit the gym and gained about 40 pounds plus was at the point that just vacuuming the house for 10 minutes worked her into a hard sweat that could take her an hour or two to recover from.

That was where the person I had married had turned into the type of person I normally have nothing to do with and she just kept going down hill while piling more and more nonsensical demands on me every time some new BS popped into her head. The gym was traded in for astrology and pills and junk food. Financial equality was traded in for a belief that the husband should do any and everything to make the wife happy.
Her money was her money our money was her money and there was never enough which then meant that I should get a different job so that I would be making more money to put in the joint accounts for her to spend.

Well I did get a job at that point but that money was my money and my contributions to our joint accounts were limited to only being enough to cover the agreed shared basics which thus meant that with me working decent paying jobs I had lots of my money to play with but the ours/hers part saw very little cash flow improvement. I covered near 100% of the grocery bills and general expenses and she had near 100% of her paychecks to herself. Wife sh!t hit the fan at that point. I was clearly not contributing to her expectations for her lifestyle and was thusly deemed a selfish lazy husband (I was working 70 - 80+ hour weeks fueling trains while she was barely pulling 40 sitting at a desk) who was worthy of zero respect from her.

That's where her bizarre behavior that drove me nuts set in big time.

 

Been there, done that. Everybody changes over the years.

I dunno -- it's my observation that people don't really change, but, rather, become 'moreso' -- Sadly, it's mighty difficult to discern 'the shadow where the tree will fall' early on!

Best regards
HP

 

I dunno -- it's my observation that people don't really change, but, rather, become 'moreso' -- Sadly, it's mighty difficult to discern 'the shadow where the tree will fall' early on!

Best regards
HP

"Moreso"? Is that an improper use of the traditional "more so" or an attempt to popularize and thereby attain approval of a new version of "more so"? Or is it a word I have never heard?

 

it's my observation that people don't really change,

I have changed, but my core values remain. This is one of the interesting things about living for quite a while. My mother would say, "He just becomes more like himself." The difficulty is in the ability to perceive exactly what the core values are for any one particular person and thus know what he will boil down to being in the long run. On this aspect, we are in agreement.

On a personal level, I feel like I have lived at least four different lives in 65 years because my beliefs and behavior changed so much over the decades. One might even call it, "wisdom" as the less valuable, passing phases are stripped away by years of experience. Then there is the difference between one person's perception of another and how the romance phase turns into a different reality after a couple of years. Many a vibrant young thing has gained 100 pounds and became a couch potato after the marriage. Many footloose young men with free time, activities, and a joy for living became wage earners with no end to the bills and no escape from the treadmill of making ends meet.

People change. Circumstances change. Perceptions change. In this aspect, I disagree with you.

ps, I'm not going to needle you about a typo. (Bad Gopher!)

 

I dunno -- it's my observation that people don't really change, but, rather, become 'moreso' -- Sadly, it's mighty difficult to discern 'the shadow where the tree will fall' early on!

I think everyone is changing a little bit every moment of their life. I know who I was in my teens is nowhere close to who I am now more who I was in my 20's or my 30's.

The very basis of me from each time frame is still there but the overlaying person I am today is definitely different and who I will be when I get into my 50's will likely be somewhat different than who I am now.

As for people changing I like to believe that most of us are working towards making ourselves better people in some way although I see many who seem to be hell bent on self destruction at all costs just to prove they can.

 

Many a vibrant young thing has gained 100 pounds and became a couch potato after the marriage.

Oh definitely! Growing up I had a number of what would be seen as very hot female cousins along with classmates who now 20 years later look like the ugly bus ran them over circled the block picked up a load of even uglier people and came back to run them over a second time!

19 years old 5' 10" 125# and super hot track stars that could never stop running are now 40ish 5' 6" 250+ and get wiped out if they have to do more than one flight of stairs non stop.

5 years ago my wife was my sexy well built SUV but in that 5 years my SUV turned into an old rusted out bus with a bad engine.

 

ps, I'm not going to needle you about a typo. (Bad Gopher!)

I wasn't needling her, it was a real question because it is a commonly used word and there are articles about "moreso" and groups of people attempt to popularize certain words and get them into common usage. I've noticed @Hypatia's Protege 's proclivity to use compound words so I was wondering if she was on the bandwagon. Unfortunately, my post and its question were deleted so I may never know the answer.

Alternatively, it could have also been a misspelling. Interesting how it turned out.

So, did she mean, they become "more so" - meaning: the same kind but to a greater degree (aka "moreso")

Or, did she mean: morose: sullen and ill-tempered

Mod edit: Fair enough. Post restored.

 

5 years ago my wife was my sexy well built SUV but in that 5 years my SUV turned into an old rusted out bus with a bad engine.

And I had a helluva fling with a 25 year old girl who apparently suffered the onset of paranoid schizophrenia.
Seriously. She didn't just get suspicious or disenchanted, she actually became delusional.
If that doesn't qualify as changing, I don't know what does!

 

I wasn't needling her,

Sorry about the misinterpretation.

 

Sorry about the misinterpretation.

And giving a mod the motivation to delete my well-crafted question.

 

And I had a helluva fling with a 25 year old girl who apparently suffered the onset of paranoid schizophrenia.
Seriously. She didn't just get suspicious or disenchanted, she actually became delusional.
If that doesn't qualify as changing, I don't know what does!

My wife went for the all out control over everything play while clearly showing she had no control over herself. Nothing happened without her review and consent and anything she decided to do was to never be questioned no matter how far fetched or ridiculous it was which of course being rational minded I need to have rational justification behind doing something or not doing something.

Because I said so and because Mars in in retrograde while Uranus is uptight is not valid reasoning for me.

 

It sounds like your Ex is going through menopause. My wife is, and for a short time her hobby was to find fault with everything I said. I would describe something as "red" and she would correct me that it was "crimson". (Crap like that.) After a few (many) light hearted (painful) discussions (arguments) she stopped (does it less often).

 

It sounds like your Ex is going through menopause. My wife is, and for a short time her hobby was to find fault with everything I said. I would describe something as "red" and she would correct me that it was "crimson". (Crap like that.) After a few (many) light hearted (painful) discussions (arguments) she stopped (does it less often).

There an app for that. No no, I mean there is a drug for that. I used to call them my wife's happy pills. I was always more than willing to go to the pharmacy to pick up the refills.

 

My wife went for the, "all out control over everything" play while clearly showing she had no control over herself.

It sounds like your Ex is going through menopause.

I don't know if menopause is the reason, but a person feeling internally out of control would naturally grasp for control of their external world.

 

To whomever redacted @GopherT 's post:
I wish to make it clear that my sensibilities are not that delicate! --- As I have stated, on multiple occasions, I welcome corrections and requests for clarification! -- As I see it, public fora can serve no purpose whatever if 'peer review' is discouraged! --- I would far rather address sincere challenges, than remain blissfully ignorant of errors and ambiguities - no matter how trivial! -- Please know that I regard very little as more embarrassing than the specter of misinformation (above my signature) floating about the web in perpetuity!

@GopherT

So, did she mean, they become "more so" - meaning: the same kind but to a greater degree (aka "moreso")
Or, did she mean: morose: sullen and ill-tempered

Indeed it was a misspelling of "more so" (the price for using Google as a 'spell checker') -- and after all my 'finger wagging' on this post

Best regards
HP