The Nigerian game warden answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming. "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!"

"What's he doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

 

98% of Americans say "OH S$!&" before going in the ditch on a slippery road.

The other 2% are from Buffalo or Rochester, NY and they say, "Hold my beer and WATCH THIS!"

 

@Maxpower097:
This is really not much of a joke here in Michigan either, the only joke is having this canadian woman forcing all the auto manufacturers out of the state.... so yeah, this economy is not a joke at all... but funny how they would elect someone that is not even from the same country....

That does make me feel a lil better about our gov.

 

I suppose this is a parody rather than a joke, cracked me up though.
It only makes sense if you know "Little Fluffy Clouds" by The Orb so listen to that first if you are too young to remember it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIPWGAzEZlA&feature=related

 

Little Johnny was walking down the street carrying a roll of duck tape.
The old main across the street asks, "What are you doing?"
Johnny tells him, "I'm going to go catch some ducks!"
"Boy, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" says the old man ... about 20 minutes later, here comes little Johnny walking down the street with a whole group of ducks wrapped up in his duck tape. The little old man just stares...

The next day Little Johnny walks down the street carrying a roll of chicken wire. The little old man asks him, "What are you doing today?"
Johnny tells him, "I'm going to go catch some chickens."
"Boy you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man ... later that day, little Johnny comes walking down the road with the chicken wire full of chickens. The old man just stares...

The next day, Little Johnny walks down the street dragging some pussy willows. The little old man yells out, "Wait up, I'll get my hat."

 

One day a man walks into a Tailor shop and asked the tailor if he could make him some custom glass pants.... the tailor looks at him and says "you must be crazy, you can't make pants out of glass!", the man replies, "Yes you can, I already have a pair, I will wear them tomorrow and show you". So the next day the man walks back into the tailor shop wearing a pair of glass pants, as the tailor stood there with a bewildered look on his face, the man says, "See, you can make pants out of glass, do you still think I am crazy??, the tailor replies "Nope, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

 

"Nope, but I can clearly see your nuts!"

your nuts or u're nuts ?

 

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50."
He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time, will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

 

your nuts or u're nuts ?

"Your nuts", considering he was wearing glass pants, they are see through, lol

 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in New York "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are these?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto!" the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Paddy."*

 

So, I 'll take it that Tonto is Indian, Goldstein is Jewish (that, I know), and Paddy is Irish, right?

 

I certainly like this one:

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

 

Superb!

Riiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

'Hello?'

'Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause,

Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'

'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now.'

Brief Pause.

'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'

'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'

**A few minutes later**

The little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'

'And what happened, honey?'

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser. And now she isn't moving at all!'

'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'

'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool? ........... Is this 486-5731?'

‘No, I think you have the wrong number.........

 

Never react before getting the facts and thinking things through...

Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here? '

From across the room came a voice, 'He Was The Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

 

Years ago, a young lad was beginning to get interested in Electronics. He only had a little pocket money, and electronic components were costly, so he used to go to Jumble Sales, where old things were sold for charity. In those days the rules about selling old electrical gear were not so strict.

Mostly he got old valve (tube) radios, but one day he got something that looked like a bit like a big transistor radio. It did not work, but it still had some batteries inside it. The battery compartment was closed off from the rest of the insides, so before dismantling it, he thought to check if the batteries were exhausted.

One of them looked like a big 9V type: not having a meter, he used to "test" small 9V batteries with his tongue. Not good practice, as we might point out, but thus far he seemed not to have come to any harm. The battery connector was not the type he was used to, but undaunted he got some bits of wire, stuck them into the sockets in the battery, and stuck out his tongue...

To make contact with an only partly drained Ever Ready B126 90V battery, the anode supply for the old valve portable.

The radio may have been second-hand, but the story isn't!

 

Must be a first hand story, I bet!

 

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.

The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What you got?"

The husband, before hitting the wall at 90 mph, smiles at her and replies "Airbag!"

 

A police officer pulls over a car for going 65 miles an hour in a 40 mph speed zone. When he arrives at the driver's window of the car, he sees that the driver is a little old lady.

"Ma'am," he says to her, "do you know you were speeding?"

"No officer, I was following the speed limit." She points to a sign that said Route 65.

"ma'am, that sign is showing the route number"

The officer writes her a speeding ticket and is about to leave, when he sees two other little old ladies in the back seat. Their eyes are wide open and they look very pale.

"What's wrong with your friends?" he asks the driver.

"Oh," she replies, "we just got off of route 120."

 

The little native-American boy was looking very down, and was following the chief around. After a while the chief noticed and sat down calling the boy to his side,"tell me my son, why do you look so troubled?"

The boy looks at the ground for a minute then says, "oh wise chief is it true that when we are born, you give us our name by the first thing you see when leaving your tepee the next morning?"

The chief studies the boy for a second then says, "why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?"

 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks; "what is this, a joke?"