Meditation...you're doing it wrong.

 

Meditation...you're doing it wrong.View attachment 113985

Shame on you, #12 ... no wonder I've been feeling so stressed. I just knew I was being stalked!

 

Meditation...you're doing it wrong.View attachment 113985

Irresistible.

 

When I saw that comic on a LOLcat site, I knew it would go over so much better on an electronics site.

 

When I saw that comic on a LOLcat site, I knew it would go over so much better on an electronics site.

Yeah ... what better place than a site full of nerds to exploit that sort of humor ...

 

nurds?

physicists favourite food - fission chips

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what do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

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The Irish are a wonderful bunch of people, always willing to help in a pinch.
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight "
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

 

The Irish are a wonderful bunch of people, always willing to help in a pinch.
Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight "
Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: "If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available."

And now we all know you have a two-month attention span.

 

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement.

In the end, you ignore everything and click "I agree".

 

 

Remember:
A CRAY is the only computer that runs an endless loop
in just 4 hours...

 

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

(courtesy readers digest - Rose Mattix, Decatur, Illinois)

 

lot of these roller skates around

 

what do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?

a slow swimmer

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the inventor of AutoCorrect is a stupid mass hole. he can fake right off

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'waiter, this is disgusting, there's a hair in my soup'

'and what do you expect for this price? a whole wig?!'

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don't eat clocks.... its time consuming

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(too early f0r ho ho jokes?)

how many gifts can Santa squeeze in an empty stocking?

one. (not empty after the first one)

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you do know santa rides a holly davidson?

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and fyi, i have done a self-defense course. would not recommend anyone attacking me in slow motion

 

waiter, this is disgusting, there's a hair in my soup'

'and what do you expect for this price? a whole wig?!'

Customer: "Waiter, there is a hair in my soup"
waiter: "keep it quiet or everybody will want one"

---------------
Customer: "Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup"
waiter: "Looks like the backstroke"

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy , with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

 

There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with possums.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about them. After much prayer and consideration they determined the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the possums had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let them drown themselves. The possums liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their possums and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later they were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the possums and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They caught one possum and circumcised him. They haven't seen another one since.

 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise."

"Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "Hi, I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife, the word is sternum."

 

 

Stop me if I told this one already.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi all walk into a bar together and take seats next to each other.

The bar tender walks up, eyes them all closely and asks, "what is this, a joke?"