The Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by R!f@@, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. R!f@@

    Thread Starter AAC Fanatic!

    Apr 2, 2009
    Just thought of this.
    From time to time as I recall, I will throw in real life jokes that happens here, concerning officials and the likes. I'll remind you tht these are real events.
    If you do not understand pls ask.

    Opening joke.

    This Joke's main person is a Minister of Ours. He was in charge of the Municipality during the Maumoon's Presidency.

    *One day he came to the office and as he entered an employee whispered to his ear,

    Employee - " Sir, Ur garage door is open."
    Minister - Shocked, " Is it ?"

    *Employee nodded and minister hurried into his quarters looking both ways. Zipped up his fly, and he summoned the employee to his quarters.

    Minister - Asked frankly, " Did you see My Car Inside ?
    Employee - Responded Proudly, " No Sir, But I did see two flat tires."

    Last edited: Oct 8, 2011
  2. debjit625

    Well-Known Member

    Apr 17, 2010
    Through the dense forest I think so...
  3. t06afre

    AAC Fanatic!

    May 11, 2009
    I think in this thread the jokes has to be on R!f@@. Else it would be no fun:D
  4. PatM

    Active Member

    Dec 31, 2010
    At a wedding party recently someone yelled,

    "All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

    The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
  5. R!f@@

    Thread Starter AAC Fanatic!

    Apr 2, 2009
    Why should it be on me ? :confused:

    t06, U sure luv to pick on me, don't u?
  6. someonesdad

    Senior Member

    Jul 7, 2009
    Here's one straight out of a cartoon -- but it really happened. Around 10 pm last night I went into the room where my computer is and spent a few minutes looking at some stuff on a math problem I was writing up. When the weather turns cold, I shut the door to keep the heat in the room, as this is in an addition we added to the house and it doesn't have central heating. Then I remembered I had to go close the door to the chicken coop. All the lights were off in the room and the room I had to go into. Since it was hot weather up to a week ago, I've been completely unused to having the door closed. Plus, I was thinking about the math problem. Anyway, I walked straight into the door. My wife was in the other room and came running out, thinking that some of the cats knocked over something big. I had to laugh and say it was me walking into a closed door (I hit it with my foot and knee and it didn't hurt at all). But it sure made me crack up.
    VoodooMojo likes this.
  7. R!f@@

    Thread Starter AAC Fanatic!

    Apr 2, 2009
    Here's another one.

    Mind you this is a real event, happened in a rural Island where Goats were looked after.

    The Guy in charge (Boss) had hired a Bangladesh care taker to look after the goats. One day a someone saw as he was passing by the cage, the care taker was dominating a goat. So he informed the authorities. During the interrogation this is what the care taker said and indeed he did made a good point.

    Official asked rather loudly, "Why were you Humping the goat, didn't you know it is haraam ( not allowed)?"

    Caretaker Responded rather angrily," Boss did not had a problem, I did not had a problem, and certainly the goat was enjoying it, then what the <snip> is your problem?"

  8. #12


    Nov 30, 2010
    Rifaa...This could become a religion discussion very fast after that joke!
    Better not to comment on that.

    by the way...can I call you "bat target"?
    (Now that's a joke!)
  9. VoodooMojo

    Active Member

    Nov 28, 2009
    before I call this a dirty joke, was he wearing a condom?
    Was he practicing safe domination?
  10. shortbus

    AAC Fanatic!

    Sep 30, 2009
    I was wondering if 'wifey' was training bats while R!f@@ worked?;):D:rolleyes:
  11. shortbus

    AAC Fanatic!

    Sep 30, 2009
    The way I heard this was-
    Guy was driving down a country road and saw guy in field with a sheep, he was disgusted and stopped at the next farmhouse to report it. Went to the house and young boy answered the door and he told what he saw.

    The boy said, "Thats OK, it was just my Daaaad"
  12. t06afre

    AAC Fanatic!

    May 11, 2009
    Here is one related to the Maldives
    Question. How many managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Answer. Thirty – one to change the light bulb and 29 to carry out a fact finding mission to the Maldives to see how they change lightbulbs there.
  13. maxpower097

    Well-Known Member

    Feb 20, 2009
    Ok I'll tell one a coworker told me to try to cheer me up the other day. Its old and known but still a classic. Many variations too.

    A man comes home with a duck under his arm, His wife says "Why do you have that duck?" He then says "I want to show someone this pig I'm having relations with." His wife replies, "But thats a duck!?!?!" He then replied " I was talking to the duck."
  14. SgtWookie


    Jul 17, 2007
    Lame jokes aka "Groaners"

    Q) What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?

    A) Their middle name.

    Q) Two fish are in a tank. What does one fish say to the other?

    A) "You man the guns, I'll drive."

    Q) What does a grape and a chicken have in common?

    A) They're both green except for the chicken.

    Two peanuts are walking down the road.

    One was assaulted.

    Q) What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back?

    A) A stick.

    Q) How do you catch a unique rabbit?

    A) Unique up on it.

    Q) How do you catch a tame rabbit?

    A) Tame way, unique up on it.

    Q) where did the captain put his armies?

    A) In his sleevies.

    A pirate walks into a bar; he's got a peg leg, an eyepatch and a hook.
    The bartender asks,"man how'd you get the peg leg?"
    The pirate replies, "Arrr, a shark bit me leg off while I was swimmin in the ocean."
    The bartender asks, "OK, how did you get the hook?"
    The pirate replies, "I lost me hand during a swordfight while taking over a ship."
    So the bartender asks how he lost his eye.
    "A seagull pooped in me eye."
    The bartender says "so let me get this straight, you lost your leg from a shark bite, your hand to a swordfight and your eye to poop?"
    The pirate replies "Yarrr, it was the first day I had me hook."

    Two antennas meet, fall in love, and get married.

    The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  15. SgtWookie


    Jul 17, 2007
    Keep this dictionary handy; you never know when you might need to select the proper tool.

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh --'

    SKILSAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting on fire various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, CDs/DVDs, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON OF A B***H TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a b***h!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
  16. SgtWookie


    Jul 17, 2007
    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him what?

    A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
    MaxHeadRoom and BR-549 like this.
  17. SgtWookie


    Jul 17, 2007
    A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

    The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.
  18. SgtWookie


    Jul 17, 2007
    Guy runs into the Dr's office flexing his elbow and yelling, "Doc, Doc! It hurts when I do this!"

    Doc: "Well then, don't do that."


    Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts.

    All this is done with the consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.

    Obi-Wan looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."
  19. SgtWookie


    Jul 17, 2007
    Physics joke:

    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
    The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
  20. SgtWookie


    Jul 17, 2007
    A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

    One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The Doc came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

    "No, I'm sorry, "replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."